Problem Solved

First of all thanks for your quick call to arms. Even if I kind of already knew what I was going to do, the reassurance helped a lot.

So what did I do you ask? Well, I put my order in through Portland Pharmacy since their prices were the lowest for the drugs I needed. Another reason why I love my clinic is their responsiveness. This morning after my appointment with Dr. Bowtie (more on that later) the nurse met with me to discuss the different pharmacies they like and their prices. I have a comparison spreadsheet if anyone is shopping for meds - let me know and I can send it to you. Within moments my order was faxed and a rep called. That was about the quickest I spent 2,500 bucks. I then went back to my office and called the insurance company and no one can still tell me why it is not covered this time, but after speaking with managers of managers I was assured it will not be covered. Damn, insurance companies suck. Since I work for a hospital, I got a great deal on the less expensive meds. I need to keep telling myself this because I am trying to find something positive in this whole f'in situation.

The appointment with Dr. Bowtie was fruitful, even though it was just supposed to be a post-op. I of course went in with my list of questions and he gave me his usual smirk when I asked if he was done with his portion of the appointment so I could proceed with my agenda. Since I "heart" lists here is a summary of the discussion because I know you are so incredibly interested..
1. My pubescent complexion, a.k.a. massive breakouts, are a result of the DHEA. As are the mini pimples on my chest and in my head hair. Now I am infertile and a zit machine. The excitement never ends.

2. Dr. Bowtie does not want to talk about the next steps yet because he is "optimistic" about the next cycle. I, being a realist, want to talk about next steps, but the discussion did not proceed in that direction. I pushed and he told me he will meet my sister if he needs to but he is putting his energy into the April IVF. I expressed my concern about how long it takes to get going on things and not wanting to wait to start something else after a possible 3rd failed IVF in April and he assured me that would not be an issue. He did leak that we would have to meet with the Psychologist if there is any donor involvement. I will have to work on my "swallowing what I really want to say to that nasty lady" look.

3. Since I am not only a zit machine but also a cyst machine, I was concerned about going on the pill before my IVF because that is usually when I grow those buggers. Dr. Bowtie told me to call with my Feb period and we will align the start date with my cycle to reduce the likelihood of cyst. He also told me he does not want me to start the pill too soon because we have a few months between now and then and we might as well try to "get lucky". Bring on the OV predictors and timed intercourse - who said I am on a break until April now.

4. After making the "get lucky" comment he reviewed DH's SA results and apparently his numbers are so incredibly high but his morph, viability, and motility so incredibly low that if the right sperm found the right egg at exactly the right time we could possibly get pregnant. This is of course not taking into account my egg quality problem, but it gave me a little hope that maybe DH's swimmers are not totally worthless. The problem is that there is no way to tell.

5. Dr. Bowtie actually humored me when I said I want to work acupuncture into my protocol. He said he is not opposed to the idea of acupuncture but does not have enough evidence to prove it does anything, but if I provide him with some studies he will write a note for me so my acupuncture treatments can be covered by my flexible spending account. How rockin' is that. I am currently putting together a "report" of journal articles and publications for him since I have his ear on this. I, with the help of my o' so easily accessible and awesome acupuncturist, have dug up zillions of articles. I will share the fun when my research is done.

6. Oh the strange mystery pain was confirmed to be a kidney stone. It was not a typical kidney stone, but rather one of the uric acid type for which I can thank my gout ridden father. Geez, dad you shouldn't have. Unfortunately since this type does not show up on scans because they do not contain calcium it is hard to tell if I have others. Luckily I still have some percoset in case another one strikes.

Advice NEEDED!!!

For those of you who don't believe in superstition, you will be convinced after reading this post. On our way home from the grocery store this evening, a black cat crossed the road ahead of us. Since then, I managed to step in fresh (a.k.a. not frozen) dog poop and got a call from the pharmacy about my meds. It has been 1 freaking hour! The poop needs no further explanation, but regarding the meds I need any advice you can throw my way. Don't get the poop and advice confused because I don't want any shit thrown at me, I have enough in the treads of my tennis shoes.

Here is the situation: My clinic faxed in my order of meds for my next IVF in April and it appears that my insurance coverage has "changed" a bit and rather than having a co-pay of 20% (which I would not have to pay since I have already met my out of pocket for this year), my co-pay is at @ 3,000. YIKES! I just got off the phone with the pharmacy I use, which happens to be part of the company I work for because that is the pharmacy my insurance company works with. Now what do I do? Here are my list of options so far...

1. Cancel the order and wait since I really don't need the meds until April anyway

2. Put the order through because if the transaction is made tomorrow I can claim the 3,000 on this years taxes as an additional deduction along with the cost of the IVF cost share. I won't get much out of claiming it on next years taxes because the amount won't be great enough with the medical equation you have to do to really make much of a difference on taxes. Also, if I put it through now it will be paid off by the time the IVF comes around and hopefully I will be less pissed that I am infertile. Although this could be pointless because I have little faith in my IVF abilities at this point and will probably have to spend much more money next year.

3. Cancel the pharmacy order and put the order through at an online pharmacy that may offer better prices, although I don't know what the prices are and I don't know if this would be possible to do in the short amount of time left in this year to claim it on this years taxes.

4. Cancel the order and shop around for better prices and possible return options for unused meds. This most likely will not happen this year and will be part of next years taxes, which could make a difference if this last IVF does not work and we have to move on to donor eggs. Not only would we be spending more on another cost share, but also could use the left over drugs.

What I need to know from you is what to do? IS there another option that I have that I did not list above? I am leaning toward #2 right now, but only because I know very little about other pharmacy options. Also, I need to call my insurance company and see what is up regarding the change, I am guessing that I have reached my 5,000 infertility limit and that is why they are no longer paying, but with meds for 2 cycles I would have thought that I should have reached that already. I would love for this to be a mistake, but mistakes are not usually made in my favor. Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated! I conveniently have a post-op appointment with Dr. Bowtie tomorrow at 9:30, so if I need a change made I should know by then since I will have his direct attention.

Did I mention that I am pissed that I am infertile? I have so much negative energy right now that rather than research this I need to go to the gym and run off some of my anger or else I will not sleep again tonight. I hope this is the remainder of the shit I have to deal with in 2006 rather than a taste of what 2007 is going to be like.

Dare I say it....

I am a bit leery about writing this post because as soon as I hit publish I know something drastically annoying is going to happen, but I am taking that risk. I may regret it....

This year I have not been too keen on Christmas. Now that Christmas is here, I must admit my gloom has lifted and my radio is tuned to the 24 hour Christmas song station and I even played a visit to iTunes and downloaded some of my favorites: WHAM! - Last Christmas, Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas, yuletide Singers - Snoopy's Christmas, and Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Carol of the Bells, plus a few more... It is a seasonal mix of trash and tradition.

We had my mom's side of the family celebration last night and I was SO dreading it. For the first time is years it was "enjoyable." When I say years I mean it. The last time I looked favorably on this event I was a child and my cousins and I played Christmas records while waiting for Santa to drop off my our new Cabbage Patch Kids. It probably helps that a few, well 14 people (only 2 families mind you - I grew up VERY Catholic), were not present. This made the 7 young children that were present, 2 of which were babies, much more tolerable. The adults actually stood a chance against them this year, usually the children have us waving white flags and begging them to go run in circles and scream elsewhere. It probably also helps that I had a sufficient buzz on most of the evening and I found out my brother's serious girlfriend is only 22 so she will most likely not have children before me - or so I can hope. Yes, they are not even married but I have to adequately prepare for my disappointment years in advance - it helps with the severity of the blow. She is a very smart and sweet girl and I do hope that he doesn't do anything too stupid because she would be a nice addition to the family. Shit, I am starting to sound like my mother.

Happy Holidays to you all ....

Seasonal Sadness

Sorry I have not posted in a while. Most certainly not due to lack of material, but I have been swamped at work and at home. The surgery also knocked me down hard, really hard. Also taking up my time is the Christmas shopping, present wrapping, cookie baking/eating as you can here. I love spritz cookies and when I get sick of the cookie press I make my own shapes. Yes, those are feminine shaped spritz cookies. Unfortunately I have no pictures of the male version. I even used the blue food coloring so I could say I made blue balls.


I don’t know where the day has gone lately. This will soon change – it seems like as soon as we flip the calendar to January 1 time slows drastically. Then I will have time to update you on the horrendous comments made to me by the nurse at my urology appointment. Of course they are related to infertility. DH and I are still shaking our heads.

Even with my busy schedule, I still have gloom scheduled from wake till sleep. I go about my daily activities seasoned with a tablespoon too many of sadness. I am busy nonetheless, but not content. The holiday time of year is always a challenge for me primarily due to my infertility but also because December 26th is 2 years since my miscarriage. I can’t help but let my mind wander to where we would have been right now with a child that would just be starting to understand the concept of Santa, presents, and holiday clothes. I posted the other day about avoiding malls for Christmas shopping and I guess I left out one of the main reasons we avoid malls this time of year: watching children waiting to sit on Santa’s lap. It is a stupid thing and I probably will never take my child(ren) to a mall to sit on Santa’s lap, but I get so sad that I don’t even have the option. I think children are the happiness of the holiday season and since we have none in our family, we have little happiness this time of year. Last evening I was sitting by the Christmas tree "wishing". I am not a religious person and have never been into prayer, but I just sat there staring into the lights "wishing" we had a little person to show the joy of the season. DH, noticing my contemplative state and being the smart lad he is, very quietly said: “2007 is going to be our year.” I certainly hope he is correct.

I promise that I will find time to visit your blogs tomorrow and post. I know I am not the only one suffering this time of year and for that I am sorry. None of us should have to bear this burden anytime of the year.

4 effen years

Sometimes infertility just hits you head on and pins you to the ground screaming "uncle" so it will release it's breath crushing hold on you temporarily so just can just catch your breath. Other times you are sitting at the computer reading an article about the latest yuppie trend of combining yoga and wine tasting and you notice your face is raining on the keyboard and it is not because you are upset over what you are reading. Although....the tears could have been justified in this situation.

Up until today I was having a delightful weekend. I met another dear infertile for drinks and coffee on Friday. I left feeling inspired, energized, and for once “not alone” in this big city of seemingly reproductively normal folks. There was even talk of a infertile gathering……

Saturday was a neutral wash of a day. I had intended on taking mr. doggie to his daycare evaluation and then DH and I would head over to help my sister move. The move went as well as 7 solid hours with my parents could ever be. In that short amount of time they have once again given us a lifetime of conversation topics that leave us shaking our heads and wondering who my real parents are. Matisse got to help because the evaluation never happened. (Un)fortunately Mr. Toots has not been vaccinated for kennel cough and apparently it can run wild where dogs come together for playtime. I am a bit leery about additional vaccinations for my pooch, but I will most likely read about the horrors on the internet and then give in so he doesn’t have to stay home when DH is gone for extended meetings or we have some lengthy “dog-free” commitment. Imagine that, a spoiled dog alone sitting on his chair, blanketed by his down comforter, in his purple painted bedroom, watching Anim.al Pla.net for 8 hours – I fully recognize I need a child, err, I mean help. Actually, I need both.

So when a fellow elevator rider asks me tomorrow about my weekend I can honestly reply that I can file it under “g” for good. What do I have to complain about….. my weekend was not that bad compared to some of you hit by the early onslaught of holiday family cheer or the stroller pushing mall goers trying to finish up their final purchases for their herd of spoiled brats that they did not have to take out a second mortgage to create. I even got to participate in “feel good” activities like return a lost pet to her owner on a day that happened to be his daughter’s b-day. I should be happy as can be, but instead I am not.
I don’t know how to explain how I am feeling right now. For starters, I am worried about my enlarged ureter and the long wait till I see the specialist on the 23rd of Jan. Also, I am eager to get the holiday season over so I can throw away all the cookies that I continue to eat and actually try to loose my last 10lbs. Finally, I am not looking forwards to spending saturday with my 16 cousins, their countless children, and all my mousy and sub-servant aunts. Although, it is really not the holiday season that is to blame for my flat mood. The real culprit is my ongoing struggle with infertility.

While scanning the online site our friends set up to share photos of their newborn (Friday) daughter I started bawling. Do you realize that if we miraculously got pg this month it would be 4 years since we started trying at the time our miracle child would be born. 4 Effen years.

4 Effen years means lots of heartache, many failed procedures, countless dollars wasted, and 4 years of my life that I will never get back. Friends have gotten married and had children in that time. I said children – not one but, multiple children. Friendships have been lost through our struggle and our marriage has been tested. At what point do we just walk away, move onto the next thing, and actually start making progress towards a family where the child does not have fur.

The problem is that we are stuck. Currently we are waiting to do our final cost share IVF after I take DHEA for 4 months. So, that puts us out into April. We could start our adoption stuff right now so as soon as IVF #3 fails we could do our home study and get a referral. BUT, we are fortunate to have a 22-year-old egg donor who is willing now, but may not be so willing in a few years when we are ready to pursue her eggs again and have the adoption paid down. Follow that? Add to the mix that Dr. Bowtie is really close to letting us do the donor cost share at our clinic with her, even though they have no official donor cost share program. Once I hook him I need to move fast – he is at the advanced part of his career and who knows if he will still be devoting his life to infertile me when he could easily just walk away. So really, we are not stuck, but I don’t like my options. Time just seems to be moving slowly and leaving me behind. Next year I fear I will be in the same place with a different set of circumstances writing a post titled 5 effen years.

Christmas shopping on perc0set

I again am breaking my promise of not blogging on perc0set, for this I apologize. At least I stopped commenting on YOUR blogs after DD sent me a copy of the incoherent message I left for her. The funny thing is that I remember writing that message and I remember it making sense, but it was just plain wacky.

I guess I did not expect to need the pain pills because I really did not expect to be in this much pain. I had a lap before and I don't remember the whole not being able to bend at the waist thing I have going on this time. My belly is also sticking out so far and I have been holding it to suppress the pain. Ironically, I look like a pregnant woman.

I also did not plan on taking today off from work, so I did not cancel my afternoon meeting. Since the meeting was downtown and I could not drive, DH escorted me and after picking me up we started and completed most of our Christmas shopping. I owe this mainly to the perc0set I popped right before walking into Macy's. Some of the things we are gifting include 2 Cuisinart ice cream makers, a kitchen aid mixer, misc. stocking stuffers and a beautiful designer leather briefcase for me. DH is such a sucker for a wife with a beautiful bag.

We have a Christmas shopping rule: no malls. We can buy gifts on-line, at boutiques, or downtown. The simple food or alcohol gift is also an option. After being thoroughly disgusted a few years back while Christmas shopping at the MOA (Mall of America for you out of towners) we devised this plan and have stuck to it. I also get a little depressed while Christmas shopping. As adults with really no little ones to buy for the season just doesn't seem the same. I don't really buy into the whole commercialism of the holidays. In fact on Black Friday DH and I make an effort to purchase NOTHING as our way of sticking it to capitalism.

Perhaps it was the perc0set, but this year I had a fabulous idea. I always want to purchase something for our not yet conceived child, but I feel a bit funny doing so. I don't want to jinx myself and it seems kind of stupid because there are plenty of real, live children in this world who I could just go any buy toys for. As I was walking by the book store I got the idea: I would start a book collection for our child and write a dear message to them on the inside cover letting them know that we are still longing for them and that we bought them this little present because we are confident they will someday enjoy sitting down to a story. The book I bought this evening was one of my husband’s childhood favorites: Blueberries for Sal, by Robert McCloskey. When we got home, I put it on the shelf next to the book I bought in Paris a few years back when we first decided to have a child. That book is: The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. They seem so juxtaposed leaning on each other. One was purchased when we were excited about having a child and were innocent to the pain of infertility. The other was purchased out a strong wont and burning desire to be a parent that was groomed by struggling with infertility for over 3 years. I know I will share these books with my child someday - they will always mean more to me than a story.

Hopefully I will not have to add many more books to my collection.

Can anything be easy?

So I had the lap today. This was my second lap and you can probably tell by my lack of blogging about it that I was not really worried or concerned. I have a high pain threshold and pain pill work wonders for me. Also, with all the shit IVF has thrown my way I am no longer surprised by ANYTHING. He could have woken me up and told me the DHEA he has me taking turned me into a man down there and I would have said, huh, go figures.

With that said, here are a few reflections of my fun procedure today. Sorry about the list format, but I am still taking percoset and I cannot write legibly. I have been visiting some of your blogs today and commenting and I truly apologize if I said something stupider than normal. Anyway, in no particular order.....

1. No endo. Zippo, Zappa, Zilch. Dr. Bowtie is REALLY frustrated. He did say that mystery pain that is not endo is at least good news. Now for the mystery pain......read on dear friend.
2. The mass is not threatening and did not currently have any cysts growing on it.
3. My ovaries look healthy and plump -seriously, WTF!
4. They would not let me leave the hospital until I peed today. My procedure was at 9 and ended at 10 and I left at 3:30. I could not pee. I drank 2 ginger ales, 2 waters, coffee, and chewed on ice chips. I sat on the bowl and walked to the private bathroom 5 times and turned on the faucet for inspiration. Nothing, not even a trickle. Finally as they were paging Dr. Bowtie I mustered up a slight stream. Boy that felt good. I was dressed and fighting the urge to pull out my IV so I could get out of there ASAP.
5. I was probably not peeing because I was so dehydrated as was evident by the reaction I got when I ate on of the those yummy vanilla wafers they give you after surgery. Yummy no more - one bite and that cookie turned to sawdust in my mouth. I spit it out so fast. But, that damn cookie just stuck to my throat and cheeks that I had to flush my finger around my mouth to remove every remnant of it. Everything I ate today left me SO thirsty. All I wanted was a Coke. Real, classic, cold coke. I have had two at a charge of 280 calories since I got home and I am about to crack open a third. I LOVE that stuff. Hopefully the percoset will counter the caffeine.
6. All week I have been dealing wit the period tease. Since a week ago it would come on a bit heavy (not tampon heavy) and then leave. You could call it heavy spotting. Yesterday there was almost nothing, so I got up this morning and put on my surgery panties (granny panties) and went to the hospital. Wouldn't you know that tease turned on the spigot as I was walking in the door. I bee lined for the bathroom and it was everywhere. I must be back to my 10 day period cycle - spotting for 5 -7 days before the real deal. Seriously annoying.
7. Oh remember that mystery pain mentioned in #1. Well, since there is NO endo, Dr. Bowtie looked around in there for me. He even took a few extra pictures - o.k. 8 extra pictures- because he knows I am insane and he wants to stay one step ahead of the game. Smart man. Anyway, it appears I have a very active ureter on my right side and that may be causing the pain. It is enlarged on the pics so he wants me to see an urologist. I can't believe my f'in body! I of course googled this in my demerol and percoset haze and the 2 things that are most prominent are cancer and calcification. I am done with Dr. Google on this subject and am going to put it out of my mind until the urologist appointment. He didn't seem too concerned with DH, but unless I hear something is ok from Dr. Bowtie I reserve the right to jump to conclusions and get all crazy if need be.

Other than these few inconveniences (I am ignoring # 7 at this time) the day was really not bad. I know I have said this before, but Dr. Bowtie is amazing and he has a great sense of humor. He came into the room from visiting with DH to again tell me how dapper DH is. He then informed me his resident would be doing my surgery. His resident then piped up to tell me his hand usually stops shaking and displayed the shake for me. I looked at Dr. Bowtie and he had the funniest smirk on his face as he assured me the resident would be watching HIM do the surgery. They kind of had me for a minute and I appreciated the laugh. Don't worry - I will get him back - ideas welcome. I just need something that is more funny than serious.

Finally, I laughed wit Dr. Bowtie about the side affects of DHEA that I blogged about earlier. HE chuckled and told me he hasn't seen to many whiskers on another patient. The study didn't work for her, but he thinks her problem is "different". I reassured him that if this doesn't work he can meet my sister, you know the egg donor I am trying to convince him to let us on their non-existent donor cost share program. He said I am one determined woman (I do mention this to him EVERY time I see him) and he thought that is could work. My persistence is paying off.

Can we just move away...far away?

You know how sometimes all you need is a good friend? Do you ever have that burning feeling that you need to call someone and tell them something that is making you want to pull your hair out and that person always reacts with a suitable response that reinforces why you love them so? I am fortunate to have a few good friends like that in my life and luckily one of them was there to answer the phone last night or I would have been writing a really angry post that I would probably regret at some point.

*****Please let me warn you - this post is random and may come across as lacking of information. Please keeping mid that there is a lot of history that got us to this point and I am still fuming but I just need to get this posted an hopefull off my chest.

I know you are dying to know what angered me so. There are many more details than I can bore you with in a post so I will summarize: basically I realized that SIL is selfish and can't truly give us the empathy and support we need with our IF because she is bitter that she is single and w/o the prospect of having children of her own. Now obviously she did not come out and tell me this, but last nights conversation tied up many loose threads that I finally put together. The most hurtful thing that she said is regarding this stupid competition she wages with everyone. If someone in her life has something that she does not she spites them. In fact, if someone even has the prospect of something she wants she spites them. For example, after our failed IVF # 1 and #2 she would always say to us that we are young and we can just take some time off and aren't we lucky that we don't have to make any decisions immediately because we are so young. These comments pissed me off enough at the time because she OBVIOULSLY does not understand that timing and waiting are incredibly frustrating when going through IF. Also, she spews assvice and I just want to tell her to shut up but don't for fear of upsetting the family balance. Those days are long gone now. Regarding her time off comment, you can almost imagine how hurt DH and I were when we realized that she was making this comment because she spites us for being young when she is 36 and is feeling the pressure of her biological clock. Also, if we wait the chance of her having a baby before us are greater and then she will still be one step ahead of the game.

OK, now if that is not insulting, try this. She had to take the day off on Monday because she was upset about "things". Her comment to me was: "well if I would have a desk job (like you) I could have gone to work today and zoned out but because I am a teacher and I have to be "on" the whole time I just could not do it." If she were here in person I would have smacked the shit out of her. Yes, I do have a desk job, but I too have meetings and goals and deadlines. She thinks that just because she is a teacher she works harder than everyone else and doesn't get paid enough. Last I checked she makes more than me and gets a break at summer, the holidays and in the spring.

I should also mention that she made some comment a few weeks back about it being such a shame that we so not have some left over embies that she could use to have a baby. I kind of thought she was kidding, but after some of the things she said last night I am realizing that she now knows the likelihood of that ever happening is slim since we barely even make it to transfer with IVF. So her little "plan" has fallen through and now she has to plan other ways to have a child. I am pissed that she seriously thought this was going to work. Perhaps she should have checked with us first. Last I checked when DH and filled out all the paperwork of what to do with our left over embies she was NOT in the picture. So wrapping this up for you, she is now upset about our lack of success with IVF because it means she may not be able to use us to have her baby. Follow me?

There are many other things that I could mention here, but they may just come across as very petty and require lots of explanation that would drive you crazy. I don't even know what to do about her, but one thing is for certain: she is no longer in the loop regarding our infertility. Even DH agreed to that one and not only is he disgusted with her behavior, but he is hurt. He has been noticing this change in her also and he is even willing to "take it to the parents." This is a hard situation because she has such a jaded view of everything that she seriously would not get it if we tried to talk to her about it. Also the waterworks that we would all have to deal with would make me absolutely insane.

I guess then, DH and I decided that distance from her is the best plan. Believe me, after 10 years with DH and his constant effort to defend her craziness, this is absolutely progress. Perhaps it just took him that long to make the painful realization of who she really is.

Idle Conversation

Friday after work I ran into someone I know at the grocery store. She has an 8 month old daughter and always tries to make me feel better about being infertile by pretending she envies our freedom. She asked "What do 2 young, childless people do on a Friday night? Please tell so I can live through you because I will be stuck at home." I should have lied and told her we chartering our own plane and flying to New York for dinner and a show. She probably would have believed it. In hindsight it seems like a good response because I left insulted as being referred to as childless, and when I am insulted I usually insert sarcasm. I am infertile and in the pursuit of a child not choosing to live child free. She is REALLY stupid. When I told her we had no plans she looked a little deflated and then perked up to chatter that she wished us a happy holiday while bobbing her head from side to side.

I then started thinking about what we actually do most weekend evenings. Pretty much our Friday night fun consists of watching really bad TV and idle conversation. Last night consisted of extraordinarily juicy converstion - it went like this:


DH: Why is the dog wearing a scarf?

Josie: Because he is cold.

DH: I don't think so.

Josie: I do.

DH: Do you think a scarf around his neck is going to make him warmer?

Josie: I don't know, ask him.

Matisse (dog): sign

If that was not riveting, it got better ....

.......While watching VanHelsing (seriously the ONLY thing on)

Josie: How come the guy who turns from a Werewolf to man and back to Werewolf destroys his clothes in the violent transformation from man to beast and then when the moon is covered and he turns into a man again, he is wearing the same clothes as before?

DH: Good question. It is kind of like the Incredible Hulk who also destroys his clothes in transformation and then is left wearing his jean shorts. Why do you think he wears jean shorts?

Josie: Hmmmm... I need to think about that one.

DH: Do you think he is gay? Or, maybe he is a nevernude. I miss Tobias Funke.

Lola is behaving badly again

But before we get to that I thought i'd throw in a few photos of the pooch.



Ah....isn't that precious. Here is Matisse and his friend One Armed Teddy. He won't let me have it long enough to sew the other arm on it, hence it's name. The teddy was not intended for him, but he claimed it before I was done with it.

After a day like today I needed something a bit more cheerful.

Now to Lola (a.k.a. my right ovary). Well, she once again decided she was not going to play nice and now she presented herself with a huge "mass" at this mornings wanding. It is not a fluid filled mass, but rather a tumor (most likely benign) or the dreaded endo. Regardless, Dr. Bowtie is opening me up on Wednesday to check it out.

As I was dragging my butt out of bed this morning at an entirely unreasonable hour I began to think of all the shitty experiences that go along with IF. Here are a few:

1. Butt crack of dawn dr. appointments
2. Drug addict looking arms
3. My intimate relationship with the wand monkey - the machine in exam room # 5 really gets me. I feel like I am having an affair.
4. Having to get creative about why you always have to leave work to go to the dr. and then dealing with the awkward silence that follows after you finally break down and tell your male boss what is going on because he is imagining up his own scenarios.
5. Periods.

Today is CD1 and can I tell you how much I hate my period? I can't believe she resides in my body. I also hate young knocked up stupid girls, like the 3 I encountered at a job fair today. Why can the stupid always reproduce so well? DH and I call it reverse Darwinism.

Am I bitter today?


just so you leave on a good note........

Hair growth.... wait, where?!?!?!

Now that you know I am a calendar addict, I may as well admit another addiction: side effect obsession syndrome. As soon as I get my little package of meds in the mail I search feverishly through the box for anything that may be new or carry a new set of symptoms I can obsess about. I unfold those little pamphlets and read about the controlled studies where n=87 and the half life of the medication is 14.2 days. I reread how to administer the medication, you know, just in case this pamphlet suggests that I no longer have to jab my stomach. I even started an argument with DH after he threw out my "pamphlets" because where was I going to look now if I started having some strange symptom.

When Dr. Bowtie told us we would need to start taking DHEA and that it was not prescription, but rather that I need to get it at the health food store, I kind of chuckled and thought that there is no way this stuff can do anything bad.

I am now laughing at my own ignorance.

A few days ago I was examining my face in the mirror as I usually do each morning. There were a few more pimples to pop than usual (which is kind of fun, sorry). I thought nothing of it until I got to the area just below my nose, where a thick black hair was prominently marking the beginning of, dare I say it, geez, I can not even write the words, well, here it goes........a moustache.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Things came together while sitting at my desk later than day, I picked up the bottle of DHEA that I keep at work for my mid-day administration and read the back.


As a dietary supplement, take one capsule daily with water. Do not exceed suggested daily dose. (Really.....Dr. Bowtie has me taking 3 a day) Serving Size 1 Capsules
Servings Per Container 30

Amount Per Serving % DV

DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone) 25.00 mg **

** Daily Value (DV) not established

Other Ingredients: Di-Calcium Phosphate, Cellulose, Vegetable Acetoglycerides (I don't know what these things are but I guess I am OK with that)
No Sugar, No Starch, No Artificial Color, No Artificial Flavors, No Preservatives, Sodium Free, No Wheat, No Gluten, No Corn, No Soy, No Dairy, Yeast Free (well thank god, because the yeast would be horrible)
Storage Instructions: Store in a cool dry place. (should have read this sooner)

Warning: Individuals under 18 years of age are restricted from purchasing this product. (what, you think I am 18, oh how sweet)
After opening, keep tightly closed in refrigerator or other cool place. (yeah, I get it, I will do this from here on out)
NOT FOR USE BY INDIVIDUALS UNDER THE AGE OF 18 YEARS. DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT OR NURSING. (Funny, reeaal funny) Consult a physician or licensed qualified health care professional before using this product if you have, or have a family history of, prostate cancer, prostate enlargement, heart disease, low "good" cholesterol (HDL), or if you are using any other dietary supplement, prescription drug, or over-the-counter drug. (good here)Do not exceed recommended serving. (Hmmm...) Exceeding recommended serving may cause serious adverse health effects. (Now I am listening)Possible side effects include, acne, hair loss, hair growth on the face for women, aggressiveness, irritability, and increased levels of estrogen. (WTF! Does this stuff turn me into a man!?!?!) Discontinue use and call a physician or licensed qualified health care professional immediately if you experience rapid heartbeat, dizziness, blurred vision, or other similar symptoms. (I am more concerned about the facial hair growth and "other" hair loss) To report any adverse event call 1-800-332-1088. (Please define an adverse event because I am picking up the phone right now)

Warning: Calendars Beware

Some people enjoy crossword puzzles and others suduko. For yet others it is the word find or even better the word puzzles. I wish my addiction was one of the above, but rather I play calendar.

What is calendar? Well, it is a game all infertiles play while obsessing about their current and upcoming cycles. All you need to play is a piece of paper, writing utensil, and a few important dates, such as: LMP, when you ovulated last, or retrieval date, I think you get the picture. YOu can create many scenarios and often your game ends early when AF comes unexpectedly. I have not yet won a game of calendar, but yet I still play almost daily. Every legitimate calendar in my possession has scribblings of projected AF arrival and guesstimates of when I ovulated last. At the bottom is the goal date - the date I would someday like to achieve 9 months down the road if AF manages to stay away for that long and instead of her ugly visit I get the big prize - a real live baby.

One of the problems with playing calendar is that is becomes obsessive. The more you loose to more you want to win. I am constantly printing out calendar templates from Word or making my own versions when I should really be taking notes in a meeting. Just yesterday I was looking for some notes I took a few weeks ago and all that was on the appropriately dated paper was my last IVF cycle timelines with proposed retrieval and transfer dates. Recently I have added a new twist to the game - adding in current vacation accruals so I can best plan when my final IVF should fall as to maximize my accrual potential and leave enough remainder so I can get paid to sit on the beach in Key West this spring.

You will be happy to know that I am trying to give my calendar playing addiction a rest for a while. Since my last failed IVF I have not calculated when I should expect AF, but rather I am going to wait for the surprise. The big, fat, bloody surprise - won't it be fun! I just can't wait! Keep in mind this has taken all of my energy. Everytime I glance at a calendar or pick up a pen and start drawing a grid that is 7 boxes wide and 4 boxes long, I manage to put myself away just in the knick of time. I am thinking about starting a calendar addicts recovery group - any takers out there?

Tag Smag - 5 things you are dying to know about me

I decided to take a break from the IF posting - not due to lack of material by any means. I was tagged by BabyBlues a while back and have yet to follow up on it. I have never been good at "games" but I decided to give it a shot after I lost my last post draft when I had to turn my keyboard upside down and shake all the Cream of Wheat that fell from the box I knocked over while trying to get just one more piece of chocolate off of the shelf above my computer. Like I need one more piece of chocolate, but it is just so good, and dark, and toffee like. MMM..I think I am drooling.

Since we are on the subject of my butt size (I'll bring you up to speed: more chocolate = bigger butt), the post I lost contained lots of dishing on pg people - not becasue they can get bigger butts (I am sure I will also) but more about their choice in nasty maternity clothes. I just returned from a fair where everyone and their sister was pg and sporting bows on their bellies and letting it all hang out. I should mention the pregnancy stir-ups I witnessed- either they are back from the 80's or this women had them from the 80's. Where does a girl get a pair of those nasty things. Anyway, the size of my bottom once again resurfaces because one of the other vendors at the fair looked really familiar. After a while she came over to rub in how beatiful she is, I mean talk to me, and, yes we went to the same High School. Don't you just hate it when you run into someone who is beautiful on a day you look like crap. I didn't wash my hair this morning, I desperately need a haircut, I am carrying around about 10 extra pounds, and I am wearing my fat pants. Also, it is freezing up here in the tundra so I wore my puffy down trench coat. When I selected this beautiful outfit this morning I didn't think I would care, but now I feel like a frumpy fat fool. Do you see why I need the chocolate?

Anyway, here are 5 things you most likely don't know about me and wish I never told you:
1. I hate being stopped in traffic. If I am in the car it better be moving. I will drive miles out of the way to get to my destination if I do not have to stop. I also detour into neighborhoods to avoid red stop lights for the same reason.

2. I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I actually own some Britney Spears music. There is no valid explaination, but in my defense it is part of my workout collection and NOT my everyday listening. Although while writing this I started humming "Lucky." My husband will not even let me add it to our computer playlists on Itunes - he bought me my own Ipod so I can store her trash there.

3. I cannot waste food. Perhaps this can be blamed on my upbringing, but I would rather store something in a container in the fridge till it grows mold becasue then I have a reason to throw it away. This weekend I was watching the Barefoot Contessa and she was making muffins. Her bowl still had enough batter to make a few more muffins but instead she just threw it out - it made me cringe.

4. I knit. This is no surprise probably, but how I got into it is. About 4 years ago I had major surgery on my had to reconstruct my lunate bone after Kienbock's disease killed it off. I went to a few PT sessions and hated it, so I did some research and knitting was one of the activities to help build dexterity in my hand that I lost after the 6 months of inactivity that followed the surgery. I thought it would be a good hobby to pick up because we would be having children soon. LOL!

5. I have a horrible singing voice. Entirely tone deaf better describes it. In my catholic upbringing I often sang in the choir. I remember the musical nun going down the line of singers and offering suggestions to make their vocal contribution better. When she got to me she paused and said, "just keep practicing...better yet, have you thought about playing an instrument?"

WHEW... I feel better that is off my chest. Now if you feel so obliged and and need a reason to post about yourself, take this as a tag.

Just call me Scrooge

So at work, my office sponsors a family for the holidays. Since I am so grateful for what I have, and I often suffer from guilt complexes when I see someone scouring through their plastic bag of change to buy a measly sandwich or ride the bus, I thought I would participate.

So, I was flipping through the gift ideas and saw things like: towels, lotion, baby toys, baby clothes, grocery store gift certificates, underwear, socks, and other mundane items. The gift items were all things I can just go out and buy, much less have to ask for at Christmas. I steered away from the baby related items for obvious reasons, but I did not think anything on the list was too extravagant. Finally I selected bath towels for the mom. I though I would by her something really nice, perhaps from a nice department store or something. It tugged at my heart strings that she would have to get bath towels for a present and I noticed all the items for her were really just household items for the family.

Then I went back to my office and read the e-mail to get the details of wrapping and deadlines and all that jazz. Here is the information about the family:

Family Information:

My 18-year-old son just had two kids; a boy 2 ½ months and a girl 2 months. We have the children every week from Thursday-Saturday, but we have very little supplies and baby things. We’re in desperate need of baby items so the babies needs can be met. My son is currently a senior in high school and is looking for a job.

Notice anything funny about this? No, I am not talking about the misuse of the word little. The 18 year old son has a 2 and 2 1/2 month old for starters. That means he got 2 different people knocked up. Hmmm... I think that changes the way I feel about buying them something. I know I am evil but why should infertile me have to help out other non-infertiles that obviously made really stupid decisions in their lives. Yes, it is about the children and they should not have had to suffer. Although, those babies could have at least been put up for adoption so people like me and YOU could be parents. (Oh, that's right the laws in this country are crap for b-parents so the babies would be placed with us and then taken back after a while.) Yes, I understand the complexity of these statement. I am a very empathetic person, in fact I worked in welfare to work for 5 years and I know some things are shit luck and others just stupidity. Most often stupidity prevails.


Why does everything have to relate back to my infertility? I guess I am no longer in the Christmas spirit.

Um, yeah, a huh...

Remember all my whining about onesies just yesterday. Well, when I got
home from work, DH had a little present for me. He went to the baby
store (he has NEVER been there before) and purchased some
"replacements". I was touched and even as I relayed the story to a
friend on the phone later that evening I welled up just thinking about
how lucky I am. She said she did also.

Since I am talking about foot in mouth moments, remember that baby shower I was convalescing about yesterday. I "forgot" to add the part that made me look bad -
a.k.a. The words that made me stop speaking and start drinking. Shortly
before the shower began DH informed me "a certainnewmom" was not going to be there because her 9 month old needed to go to bed at 7 or so.

Sidenote: when did having kids make people so incredibly uncool. Like staying
up an extra hour or so is that big of a deal. The baby is home all day
with parents and he is hardly fussy, or so they say/brag. Oh, yeah, I
don't understand because I don't have kids, or so I am told all the F'in time.

Anyway, DH told me he talked to MR "a certain newmom" and it was just too stressful to have to attend an event that started at 7 because of the whole bedtime debacle so he was coming stag. Did I mention that the showeree recently hosted a shower, which we all attended, for "a certain newmom"? Let's get this straight, the crazy infertile, a.k.a ME, had to attend this shower but the person for whom we had a shower didn't. Did I say attend, I probably meant co-host, but who's keeping track anyway.

Me, bitter, you ask? No, not at all.

Well, it all sounds good and nasty and I was quite forthcoming with my criticism until "a certain newmom" walked in the door w/baby in hand. She thought she should try to make it for a little while anyway. Should I take back what I was saying
BEFORE she came, heck no. The fact that she even considered NOT coming is still insulting, but since I did make a HUGE deal about it I probably should open my mouth and insert foot.

The shower update

Ever since we realized having a baby would not be easy for us I have tried to avoid baby showers. Can someone tell me then how I have ended up hosting or co-hosting 4 of them? I guess I am a sucker, but in my defense 2 were for fellow infertiles, one defaulted to our house when plans fell through otherwise, and the 4th one was last night.


I don't know why I do this to myself. Last night was not bad and actually kind of fun. It was a friends shower (not just females), the food was awesome, there was liquor (lots of it), and the only "game" we played was the baby picture game, which is hardly a game and the prize was a can of WD40 rather than some stupid lotion set.
I was even a good sport and continued with my tradition of "making" present for my friends. You can see the absolutely adorable booties above (there is also a hat to match). But.......Babyshowers are just so hard and such a reminder of what I don't have. Our friends always say that they will have the best shower for us and while that is nice, it doesn't "solve" anything. I don't know when that time will be.

Also, last night I brought some onesies to hang up as decoration. These were clearance onesies that I bought at Target a while ago. It is stupid and I brought them fully knowing I may not get them back, although I did not make any suggestion that they were for the showerees. Well, my heart sunk when the soon to be dad gathered them up and said "who do I have to thank for these". I just didn't have the heart to tell him that they were not for him, but inside I was so shook up. I guess I thought going into it that I would not be bothered if they thought it was a present for them, but I was wrong. Please let me stress, I am not mad or even faulting the dad, but rather just sad for us. It just feels so painful knowing that something I bought with the hope of having a child was taken by someone about to have one. That is the part of IF that really sucks. You see someone living your dream, your life, and enjoying the happiness that you deserve also. DH and I were up most of the night thinking. It was not the loss of the onesies, but rather the affirmation that someone would not think I need them. You know, why would I, I am not pg and may never be. I guess it just felt like someone was taking my dream. I know that the soon to be dad would feel AWFUL if he knew I was upset and I don't want that. I am not upset at him, but rather the situation we are in and I don't know anyway to explain how much that hurts to a fertile.

I can't write you a prescription for this one...

We are going ahead with round 3. So that is good news, right?

First off, I must add again that my dr. is amazing. He can handle all my obsessive qualities and still makes time for meaningful small talk. Today he (Dr. Bowtie) commented on DH's outfit. Yeah, DH is a awesome dresser and he is not afraid of color, bold ties, funky blazers, and pocket squares. Last year he went on an ascot kick and had me searching all over town for fabrics.

Anywho, Dr. Bowtie thinks it is probably an egg problem (although the sperm is not the best either), he is willing to consider my sis as an egg donor and may even explore the option of starting a donor cost share so I don't have to switch clinics (note: my clinic recently did away with their donor cost share). He didn't want to talk much about the donor options since that "is still a ways off". Actually it isn't, but I know he wants to focus on the next step. What is the next step you ask? Well, he has me taking DHEA 3x's a day for the next 3 -4 months and then wants to try again. I read the study that states that DHEA can help improve egg quality and such, so we are going to give it a try. Once I find it I will link it for all you curious souls but right now I am preparing for a baby shower that I am hosting so I can't focus on my own fertility (but rather on someone elses again!)- more on that tomorrow. It looks like the stim protocol will be the same since I had 15 eggs. Oh, did I mention that he will get my prescription in soon so it is covered under this years insurance (my idea not his). Anyway - I left feeling like I was in good hands.

Now for the BAD news - you knew it was coming, didn't you... Well that cyst is most likely going to have to be surgically removed and he wants to open me up laparscopically to do it. Those f'in cysts are eating up all my vacation days. I would honestly prefer to use those days to sit on a beach somewhere or stay home on a rainy day like today. Anyway, since it keeps coming back on the right side, a.k.a. Lola, he thinks it may be a benign tumor. At this point he can just take out the whole damn ovary becasue it isn't doing me much good.

A few random notes:
1. DHEA is not a prescription but rather something you get at a health food store. If some of you egg quality ladies want to give it a go it can't hurt.
2. At the Co-op, while buying the DHEA, I also purchased some Ethiopian bread. I am easing myself slowly into the adoption stuff.
3. Spell check is not working on blogger - sorry.
4. I recently switched to BEta Blogger and I can't sign in using my google account to post on all your blogs so I am using the "other" feature. Has this happened to any of you?

I'll update you on the shower tomorrow but now I have to get back to my prep and cocktail.

Queen of Cystdom

Yeah, that is me: I am officially crowning myself Queen of the Cystdom. Since my body is in charge this is not gonna be a socialist or democratic society but rather a pure dictatorship.

We go in to see Dr. Bowtie tomorrow and I have big surprise for him - another cyst on my right ovary (Lola) the left one (Pricilla) seems to be behaving a bit now but maybe I just cannot feel her because Lola is hogging all the pain receptors. These cysts seem to be related to ovulation but they don't go away until they are aspirated or we wait. Hmm.....

So our questions for Dr. Bowtie center around egg quality, sp. quality, fertilization and embryology. Basically, this past time we got fertilization, although the fert rate was low (5 out of 15). Also we need to know what factors could be contributing to our poor embryology - our embryos did not have much fragmentation but they were dividing too slowly and probably just fizzled out after a few days. I am fully prepared that we will get no answers, but a girl has to try at least.

We are also going to ask him about what to do next. It is funny, when going through an IVF cycle you want it to work so badly that you will settle for nothing else - all other options seem second class. Now that we are not in that emotional cyclone I am much more open to adoption. DH still thinks my mothering instincts will kick in at some point and that urge to bear a child will resurface, but right now I would just be happy to acquire a child. Perhaps I am just desperate. I am almost positive that Dr. Bowtie is going to put us on this DHEAS (or something?) study that will require me to take this drug for at least 4 months to improve egg quality. I can't imagine revisiting this madness after 4 months - I kind of just want to hurry up and get it over with. How am I going to suspend my obsession for 4 - 6 months?

Oh, if any of you want to vie for my crown of Queen of Cystdom please let me know. I will give it up if you are deserving. In my defense, I will say that I have had 2 surgical cyst aspirations, 7 cycles "delayed" for 1 -3 months. Did I mention that I still get them when on BC to try to prevent or supress them? Perhaps we could co-rule?

Collected ponderings....

O.K. Just a warning - this post is going to be quite random, but I am just in that mood. I decided to go into work today and I am sitting at my desk listening to a remixed Sergio Mendes album and thinking about the past few days. I hate malls, cars, and people(mostly fertiles and stroller pushers), so I thought I could avoid them all by "working".

Let's see, where to start...

Well, I usually HATE Thanksgiving - not the holiday and the food but the having to see my family part. My dad and brother spend the day with dad's brothers and my cousins hunting/drunk somewhere in Iowa for some poor animals, so they are not there. My mom drives me crazy and being around her family makes it worse. Also, most of my 16 cousins are extra fertile and someone is always pg or toting around a baby. They all live in the country town I grew up in and we drive down from the "big" city. Can you see why we may not enjoy this much? Let's just say we are very different. My strategy this year was to have a few drinks. (Un)fortunately I spent the morning baking my fab croissants (yes, from scratch - they rock) and had not eaten, and we were late, and I was tired, and I was dreading this event - can you see where this was going. Yeah, I got there and hit the wine we brought (everything else is pink) and had a few glasses, err - a bottle.
Hmm...next thing I knew Grandma was asking all of us to hold hands for the prayer. After the formal prayer she added some lines about how blessed we are and something about being grateful and something about asking the man upstairs to continue to look after us like last year (note - last year grandma got hit by an 18 wheeler crossing the road and after 2 brain surgeries and lots of rehab she is 85 and still sharp as ever - I LOVE her). Grandma added a moment of silence for all of us to add our thoughts and I knew she was praying for a baby for us because she told me she would - anyway, after the prayer I dropped grandma's hand and my elbow hit my glass of red wine which managed to cascade onto my shirt and down my fab new pair of long and lean jeans. Hmm....is this some message about me refusing to be blessed? Am I really that unlucky? Is this the response to the baby prayer? Next thing I knew all my aunts, mom, and sis were telling me not to move so they could massage the wine off my sweater. I decided to lay off the wine until later in the evening.

Other random ponderings and some humor...

....You know the big hand holding farmer in the dell style circle I mentioned above? Well, my cousin's little kid - age 4 or so - was looking for her place in the circle while picking her nose and then grabbed my other cousins hand to hold. Nothing like a good Thanksgiving booger.

....Last week the news told of a newborn baby that was found (alive) abandoned in a field by a farmer in MN somewhere. Grandma told me that she was gonna call them and tell them to bring the baby to my house (yup, seriously, she is determined to help us out). She decided not to because she thought later that the birth parents would come back in a few months and have decided that they want the child back and because of the screwy laws here we would have to give up the baby. She said she could not stand to see us hurt again. She must have seriously thought this was gonna solve all our problems. At least she gets it though - I must say I adore her.

....Not once (outside of grandma) did anyone mention our infertility nor push their children on us. This was a first. I am sure the news of our 2nd failed IVF must have traveled to them. I don't even know of they know what IVF is. Actually, I would like to be a fly on the wall during their whisper sessions after I leave to hear what they think it is. I hope their version involves robots and light sabers because that is much more fun than shots and retrievals.

I think that is all the randomness I can handle for now.

I finally got off my arse...

Now that one week has passed since the official notice of the BFN I am done with my pity party. Thanks to all of you who attended - I must say I know how to throw a party and the turn out was fab. Next time I will serve more crabcakes.

Anyway, now that I no longer have an excuse (depressed, sore ovaries, 2ww, etc) , I decided to actually do something about those extra 10 pounds I am carrying around in my rear. I would not say that I am fat, rather a white girl with back. Since I started IF treatments a few years ago, the stress, waiting, meds and physical discomfort caused me to bulk up a bit. Last January I got on the scale and the number read a whopping 162 - YIKES! I knew I was stressed with starting IVF, I hated my job, I still was not over the miscarriage, and I had not accepted my lot in life as an infertile. Now that I am still stressed with IVF, I have a new job, have gotten over the miscarriage a bit , and have come to acknowledge my life as an infertile I proudly announce that I currently weigh in at 142. It is crazy to think that I was carrying around an extra 20 lbs that I could live without. I wish I could ditch infertility as "easily" as I lost that weight, but rather I think it will hang around with me like those last 10 lbs.

Why am I blogging about this? I know you don't care how much I weigh and some would say that it is tacky to talk about it, but if I have to wait a while to do another cycle I need a new obsession. Also, DH and I booked tickets to Key West for a week this spring and I want to be one crazy hot infertile in a bikini on the beach.