Thursday, February 01, 2007

Back to bed to start over... ***updated

I am having one of those days.... Yup, the crazy kind where I have way too much to do and not enough time with the heaping dose of added crap thrown in to make it even more interesting. I wish I could go back to bed to start over again, but since I have not been sleeping well I fear that would just increase my already over the threshold anxiety level.

Here is the day so far (well just the annoying stuff)....

5:50am - get up after a night of waking every 2 hours and then just falling into deep sleep at 4am.

6:10 - after letting dog and feeding him, attempt to make my coffee. The espresso machine didn't drain the water properly and I spill coffee ground sludge down my leg and on my foot. Wait - it gets better: look for coffee and realize that I don't have enough decaf illy to make my morning latte so I have to use the less expensive (and really nasty decaf espresso husband bought). Perhaps I just should have bought coffee at work.

6:15: Burn toast. That nasty smell lingers...

7:00 Driving husband to the U and realize I forgot to put something in the mail that a person needs for the meeting I am hosting tomorrow. Argh - I will have to fax it or drop it off at my lunch hour.(Do people still fax things?)

7:10 Get to gym for morning workout. Look feverishly through my bag for my iPod and realize I most definitely left it at the gym on Tuesday morning. I remember setting it down by the free weights and thinking: "Don't forget it here" but I can not for the life of me remember picking it up as I hustled off to shower and get to work for my 9 am meeting. I can not believe how stupid I am!!!!!

7:20 Obsessing about lost iPod so badly I cannot work out so I shower and go to work early to research getting a new one. I feel sick to my stomach and am so mad at myself. This is about as stupid as the time I left the digital camera on top of the car and did not realize it until we heard a loud thud on the freeway. I just should have taken $200 out of the cash machine in singles and stood over an overpass and let it all fly off in to the wind - just as wasteful and a bit more satisfying. Even better, I could have spend thousands of dollars on fertility drugs for treatments that didn't work - damn, that is too real to even be funny at this point.

8:00 Get to work and a due task pops up to tell me today is a grant deadline. I programed this in months ago (luckily I almost finished it about 1 month ago) but I entered it incorrectly so the reminders all came due today rather than weekly like I though I had set. How did I forget about this you ask? I HAVE BEEN WAY TO BUSY LATELY!!! I guess I am working late AGAIN.

9:00 Chow down on valentine's candy hearts since I am so depressed about iPod and stressed about another deadline. I didn't workout and will most likely go over my calorie limit for the day. Did I mention I need to loose 9 lbs in the next 2 months.

9:15 While sitting at my desk with a burning foot I realize I may have picked up athlete's foot from the gym shower. no workout but still the joys of a nasty gym fungus - what a treat. I decide to head over to the pharmacy since I have to head that way to drop something off. Stop in the bathroom and discover it is CD 1. Why can't I get lucky one of these blasted months????

Can it get worse? Wait - don't answer that until you hear that I have this ultra important meeting tomorrow (can I trust our assistant to order breakfast or is it just easier to do it myself?) and then have to drive to WI for a weekend work related conference. I don't even get to go home Friday night and relax. Rather, I have to sit in a hotel room and stare at the TV becasue I have no iPod to bring along to listen to. Whine, whine, cry , cry ; have you had enough of me today?

***updated - it got worse
1:18 here is the scenario: Clueless Co-worker shouts across the hallway for me to come over so another co-work can tell me her "good news". Clueless co-worker then asks me, isn't that good news? Perhaps she was being rhetorical, but that is certaily a loaded question.
On another note: if I have any lurkers can you let me know. No need to post, an e-mail will do. I am making a blog change this weekend and I will notify the posters but I don't want to leave out any welcome lurkers.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

A non-story...

Bloggers come under A LOT of criticism for their writing. Not only is the subject manner constantly critiqued, but the style of prose is often blasted as being conversational and damaging to the preservation of the English language (wtf - are we now french?). While I disagree, partially in defense of myself and my blogger friends, my argument can be expanded. Don't worry, this rant has a point. I believe journalism is undergoing a sort of global and technological transformation. To be a journalist, you once had to work primarily for a form of print media and have some sort of a degree that validated your work. This work was circulated primarily to a subscribing audience often in a common geographical area or with a common interest. Since technology so greatly expanded forms of journalism and qualifications for journalists, I have seen print media struggling to keep pace. While I still subscribe to certain monthly publications, I often find myself noting that I could usually find similar articles online. Since I am old school and actually do like paper, I maintain my subscriptions so I can have something to flip through at the gym or before bed. Regarding newspapers I can not maintain a subscription. Our local subscription based newspapers in this state suck. Simply put, they are journalistic trash. I do read the Times online daily, but here is proof that poor journalism exists everywhere. Note: I did not link it because I have had some trouble linking from blogger to the Times website - sorry.

Not only is this a worthless non-story, but what is the deal with the graphic. Is the woman supposed to be puking into her hand? How disgusting. What is going on with the whole hand connection between the mother and in-utero child anyway?

The Claim: Morning Sickness Is a Sign of a Healthy Pregnancy

Published: January 16, 2007

THE FACTS It may be among the most unpleasant aspects of pregnancy, but can morning sickness also indicate a lower risk of miscarriage?

Leif Parsons

Readers’ Opinions
Forum: Parenting
A widespread belief holds that morning sickness can be a sort of blessing in disguise, or at least a favorable sign. Many dismiss this notion as folklore, but studies suggest that the truth is not so clear-cut.

Studies have shown a lower rate of miscarriage among women with nausea and vomiting of any severity during pregnancy. The most recent, published in The International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology in 2006, found that of 7,000 women studied, those who had nausea in the first three months were far less likely to miscarry. That appeared to support a study by the National Institutes of Health that found that women who had morning sickness in the first four months of pregnancy were 30 percent less likely to miscarry.

The reasons are unclear. Increased nausea and vomiting are associated with higher levels of a hormone produced by healthy placental tissue, and one theory suggests that the sickness may help women avoid foods that could harm a developing fetus.

But many women have normal pregnancies with no morning sickness, and many miscarry without getting sick. And many studies have failed to find any relationship between morning sickness and other adverse outcomes, like stillbirth and birth defects.

THE BOTTOM LINE Morning sickness is associated with a lower rate of miscarriage, though it is not necessarily a sign of a healthy pregnancy.


Tuesday, January 16, 2007

carmel and yogurt

Since I tend to avoid all things cliche I avoided talking about the new josie that was being launched in correlation with the new year for fear of it being considered, even just once, a new year's resolution rather than a mere act of coincidence of timing. Since a few weeks have passed and most people have given up on their desire to lose weight, quit smoking, or be nice to their mothers, I feel it is finally time to talk about my little commitment.

First, if you have noticed that I have been posting A LOT less lately don't be alarmed, I am still infertile and I still hate it. I have had plenty of material that leaves me saying I should post about that, but usually I forget until late at night and then I just want to sleep. Rather, I have been swamped at work with deadlines and projects that seem to be coming at me from everywhere. When I get home I am beat and I use all my energy to get myself to the gym or yoga. The man has been using the computer at home to get his dissertation proofed so he can turn it in for publication and our other computer, a laptop, needed a new battery. Since both of the above things have recently been taken care of, I will be making sometime to visit all of you and read about your interesting lives. Just because I have not been reading does not mean I have not been thinking of you. Who knows, perhaps I will also finally find time to switch my blog and update my blogs I read list since I only visit a few on the list to the right anymore.

Back to Josie 2.0 - I am trying so hard this year to do away with some of my negativity. I tend to resort to pessimism as a safety net that always keeps me in check. Don't worry, the sarcastic and realistic Josie has not been entirely done away with, but I am trying to - dare I say it - be more positive. What spurs this irrational change of reaction you ask? Well, I am partially inspired by Earl (From the TY show) and my new love for the yoga classes I have become addicted to. The Karma and Yoga balance each other nicely and I always get a little chuckle when The Man (DH) tells me to mind my carmel or asks if I am heading out to yogurt after work.

Just to prove that I have not made a full transformation I need to add that if this approach does not work it is just another way to waste money since yoga classes are NOT cheap.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

A needle in the ....

Do you ever have one of those days that you get up when your alarm goes off, go downstairs and make coffee and then get back into bed for just a minute to cuddle the super cute dog and husband and then all of a sudden you wake up and the clock is telling you it is 8:30. It makes your heart beat in your throat just thinking about it, doesn't it. That was how my day started and I have yet to recover. I did manage to shower, put some semi-matching clothes on, blow dry my hair, add a touch of make-up and still make it to work by 9:10. Other than that, I have got little together.

Add to the chaos that my acupuncturist, who has all of a sudden become everyones acupuncturist, was booked until late next week when I called on Monday. She is really good and focuses on infertility and apparently there is a new batch of ladies all destined to go to acupuncture and get knocked up before me that are currently taking up all the appointments. Me bitter? No, I am just not ready to share and also am a bit determined to do EVERYTHING right for this last IVF so I can not find any reason to play the "what if I..." game when it fails. Sorry for the mini rant - I will continue. Acu lady e-mailed me at 4 asking if I wanted to take her cancellation this evening at 7. I was elated so I picked up dinner on the way home and headed over there all excited and thinking only about me. Little did I remember that I told a certain someone that I would be home this evening if she needed to call after a potential turned to actual stressful appointment. When I called after acu to tell the man I was heading to the gym he mentioned she called and she sounded down. As soon as I got home, I checked out her site and realized why she may be a tad stressed. Please visit dear Alexa and give her a little support - she needs it right now.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The period monster got me.

Yes, I am still alive, but it was a close call. Here is a summary of my life since I posted last.

Deadline, family crap, deadline (with lots of procrastination lead up), headache inching in,family crap, spotting starts, board meeting, meet Alexa for drinks, really important meeting for director, headache back and turning into a migraine, family crap, spotting continues, work extra late on a Friday, get takeout and fall asleep before eating entirely, wake up to the AF monster all over the bloody place, spend weekend mostly in bed with migraine and AF, work late, go the gym and step on scale that is up 5 pounds.

That has been my life lately - aren't you jealous? I can't believe it has been a whole week since I posted last but it has. Sorry, I have not even had time to look at your blogs either. "The man" is out rock climbing with friends so I am trying to at least use this short amount of time I have to write a legible post but the dog that I have also been ignoring is poking me in the back and squeaking his stuffed hedgehog in my lap (thanks again for that toy Pythia it is the love of his life and the hatred of mine - I am going to send Millie some catnip infused delight that will have her walking on your face all night). Can a girl get a break?

I have so much to tell you and so little concentration right now since all I can hear is squeak, squeak, ARGHHHHH! Since I am being random I should mention that my meds came to AND I got a call to schedule my last IVF from my clinic. The clinic really didn't call to schedule it because it will be scheduled around my period that comes in Feb to hopefully reduce the chance that I will grow a cyst. The sweet nurse who called was just reminding me to call with my Feb AF - ahh, how sweet. I actually think they are starting to read my mind since I have been obsessing over whether or not I should call them to make sure that they have a spot held for me even though I am not written on the IVF calendar because of my ability to bear cysts like everyone around me bears children. When I joked to nice nurse about being crazy and obsessive and promising not to call them next week she joked and told me those were the qualities that make me loveable. Personally, I think they are being nice to me since I brought them a huge plate of Christmas cookies and they want more of my baked goodies. I may have forgotten to mention the whole cookie thing because at the time it seemed a little suck-up-ish even though I was really just trying to butter them up - literally. Sorry for the bad jokes but the squeaking is driving me mad.

On a totally opposite random note. I truly hate blogger beta and am contemplating a switch to wordpress. I like the idea of being able to password protect some posts because I am kind of afraid of SIL finding my blog and the family turmoil that would ensue. There are other reasons also, but I am not going to get into them because now. Don't worry, I will share the password with all of you if I do so. I may work on the conversion this weekend unless the period monster comes back.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Finally some good news for infertiles

So I have been known to be a pop culture junkies at times. Yes I know the words to a few too many Justin Timberlake and Spice Girls songs, but should I really be overly ashamed at my pop culture addiction? Come on, I know you love pop culture also, unless you are my husband who is just too cool to admidt that he actually prefers drunk dancing to songs on the top ten list and will not allow me to acknockedge Britney Spears in our music library with a folder, well that is just too bad. Don't fret, I created a folder anyway.

Since I am actually at work today after 4 hours of sleep, multiple beverages last evening, and plenty of joist breaking dance moves, I decided to start my New Year's Day like I usually do: searching the internet for critism of last years pop culture scence, becasue you that is sooo last year now. After getting my fill of celeb trash, if one can ever get their fill, I decided to try to be a bit more intellectual so I surfed on over to the Lake Superior State University List of Banished words for 2007. I can assure you that you will be pleased at one of the phrases banned this year. It is about have way down the list and I am not going to ruin it by telling you, you really must go check it our for yourself.

.................Now how do we enforce this?

Sunday, December 31, 2006

I think I am an elephant...

Did you know that a female elephant invests 4 years of her life in a single sperm? It works out to be 4 years because she is pregnant for a whopping 22 months and then does not ovulate for another 2 years. Don't you sometimes feel like an elephant, investing years of your life in a process that seems to take for freaking ever.

Other than spending my time lately thinking about elephant reproductive habits, which I must add was sparked by a program on National Geographic Channel, I have been thinking a lot about what Dr. Bowtie referred to as "getting lucky" in my last post. Every infertile thinks about it and hopes that they will be the one who can not get pregnant on the most aggressive fertility treatment protocol, but all of a sudden finds themselves with a positive pee stick either between treatments or after they have given up all hope.

I must admit that I have been guilty of this false hope. Even now I hesitate to call it false hope because I may jinx myself out of possible good fortune. I have been referred to as a cynic a few times and even good old Dr. Bowtie told me at my last appointment that I need to be at least a little positive while reassuring me that he does have success more often than not. So, even with my always plan for the worst case scenario mentality, why do I still remain the slightest bit hopeful that this process may one day work for us?

So here I am, about 5 days before my period is about to start, looking for all the "signs". We only mated (too much National Geographic channel) once with ovulation this time so with all our considerations there is realistically no chance it could work. But, there is still some part of my being that will not let me release hope. I reassure myself by stating that if it does not work this month we have 3 more times before IVF to "get lucky". This positiveness frightens me since it is truly quite uncharacteristic of my reproductive personality......or is it? Don't we all have some fraction of hope that guides us through this process? Putting fear aside since it usually overshadows hope, if we did not have even the slightest amount of hope, why would we continue to put our self through this torturous process? Even after the most heart breaking failure, we eventually can pick ourselves up and try again with some wisdom from the past experience, but also a "renewed" look to our current cycle.

So, although I may be an elephant in a temporal comparison, I am a human emotionally. Usually I cannot find my fraction of hope since I bury it with statistics and factors that are not favorable. But hope is a persistent little bugger and it seems to get beaten down and then surface again when you least expect it.