Can't sleep.....

ARGHHH....There is nothing worse, well at least at this moment, than not being able to sleep. Since my mind is racing, I am blaming it on infertility and all the stresses of IVF. In truth, I just ate a huge dinner out at a fancy restaurant with friends and consumed too much alcohol and food and am probably sleeping a little lighter than usual, but if I didn't wake up to obsessing thoughts of how miserably IVF #1 went I would probably be able to fall back asleep.

In truth, IVF#2 is so much different than #1. The first time I used the long protocol with lupron and 150 gonal-f in the morning and 75 menopur in the evening. From the 1st injection, I felt the lupron suck the life out of me. On day 4 of meds, my E2 was only at 29, so, basically I was still suppressed. They upped my meds a bit but I only managed to muster out 4 mature follicles after 11 days and non were of any quality. Although my E2 started to climb and continued to do so, I felt, well, funny. I usually have follicle pain and I had little, not to mention any signs of rising E2 such as the CM. Dr. Bowtie wanted to continue because he thought that with my age, 28, I would have high quality eggs. Boy was he wrong. The 4 eggs were highly fragmented and even with ICSI, none fertilized properly. I didn't sleep at all after the transfer and when the embryologist called the next morning, I think my subconscious already knew what he was going to say. It was funny how it happened though, if one must find humor and irony in the situation. Let me explain, I was making my dog his breakfast of scrambled eggs (yes I make him breakfast everyday) when I got the call. Not only was it like the scene from Sex and the City where Charlotte gets the exact same news while making Harry eggs for breakfast, but as I was scrambling eggs as he was basically telling me that my eggs were scrambled. My husband, mr. cycler, was out for an early morning ride to try and ease some stress but he wasn't feeling it so he came home after just a few miles. It just sucked and we were not prepared to hear that in addition to MF we may have another roadblock - poor egg quality.

The phone call with the embryologist left us with more questions than answers and I had to wait a full week and a half to sit down with Dr. Bowtie to get answers. That is the worst part - the waiting. Dr.'s wonder why we spend so much time consulting with Dr. Google and the truth is that we needs answers, even if they are not bonafide they are at least a distraction. I think Dr. Bowtie sometimes thinks I am having an affair with Dr. Google, but if he only made himself more available to my insane questions 24 hours a day I would not have to look elsewhere to fill my "needs". Anyway, the embryologist told us that we could have a problem that would give us a chance of mutation (read: birth defects) and that could be part of our problem. We were worried about being dropped from the cost share, wondering what to do next and basically had a week to freak out before anyone clarified anything. In truth, we found out that there are no solid answers to our questions and the only way to see if this is a problem is to try again with a different protocol. It was at this point that I looked to the blogs for answers b/c I could NOT be the only one out there with this problem, could I? And if others had similar issues what did they do to combat them?

So, that brings us to IVF #2. This time there is no lupron. I also had been going to acupuncture weekly, drinking a nasty herb decoction, seeing a chiropractor, got healing touch, and didn't work out too vigorously. At the clinic where I was getting acupuncture, the practitioner always acted like she was disappointed in me that I could not come 2x's/ week as she requested, so I quit her and sought out someone else. I have been seeing the new acupuncturist 3x's now during the stimulation and it seems to be countering the bad side effects and helping me relax. Not too mention, I do have 16 follies and a solid lining - now let's just hope the eggs are of some stellar quality. With my next appointment - day 11 - tomorrow to check the status of my follies and my lining and hopefully set my retrieval date for Sunday I am starting to loose sleep over this whole thing. I can't help but feel that since I started taking the ganirelix I have slowed down my egg production and this could be problematic. I also worry that I am going to long this cycle since last time I started slower but triggered already. I keep going between the two scenarios - no fertilization poor eggs and complete fertilization good eggs. The thing about IVF is that there is always something to obsess over. The process is a series of steps that you need to get past before you can graduate to the next obsession. As I have learned from my fellow bloggers, it doesn't end with a positive beta either. When does it end? Ever? Infertility has definitely scarred me and I don't think I will ever recover entirely. Once you take home that well deserved baby you start all over again. Even if you don't want to have additional children, you still know that you can't and that robs some of your womanhood.