Thursday, December 21, 2006

Seasonal Sadness


Sorry I have not posted in a while. Most certainly not due to lack of material, but I have been swamped at work and at home. The surgery also knocked me down hard, really hard. Also taking up my time is the Christmas shopping, present wrapping, cookie baking/eating as you can here. I love spritz cookies and when I get sick of the cookie press I make my own shapes. Yes, those are feminine shaped spritz cookies. Unfortunately I have no pictures of the male version. I even used the blue food coloring so I could say I made blue balls.


I don’t know where the day has gone lately. This will soon change – it seems like as soon as we flip the calendar to January 1 time slows drastically. Then I will have time to update you on the horrendous comments made to me by the nurse at my urology appointment. Of course they are related to infertility. DH and I are still shaking our heads.

Even with my busy schedule, I still have gloom scheduled from wake till sleep. I go about my daily activities seasoned with a tablespoon too many of sadness. I am busy nonetheless, but not content. The holiday time of year is always a challenge for me primarily due to my infertility but also because December 26th is 2 years since my miscarriage. I can’t help but let my mind wander to where we would have been right now with a child that would just be starting to understand the concept of Santa, presents, and holiday clothes. I posted the other day about avoiding malls for Christmas shopping and I guess I left out one of the main reasons we avoid malls this time of year: watching children waiting to sit on Santa’s lap. It is a stupid thing and I probably will never take my child(ren) to a mall to sit on Santa’s lap, but I get so sad that I don’t even have the option. I think children are the happiness of the holiday season and since we have none in our family, we have little happiness this time of year. Last evening I was sitting by the Christmas tree "wishing". I am not a religious person and have never been into prayer, but I just sat there staring into the lights "wishing" we had a little person to show the joy of the season. DH, noticing my contemplative state and being the smart lad he is, very quietly said: “2007 is going to be our year.” I certainly hope he is correct.

I promise that I will find time to visit your blogs tomorrow and post. I know I am not the only one suffering this time of year and for that I am sorry. None of us should have to bear this burden anytime of the year.

8 comments:

Bea said...

I'm so sorry to hear you feeling down. After that brilliant per co set-induced idea you had about the books, and all. Wishing you good things in 2007.

Bea

Lut said...

I so know what you mean, about seeing families do things and being envious of their options.

DD said...

Now I feel like a fuckwit...don't read my recent post, OK?

I will wish 2007 to be your year as well.

Heather said...

I hope next year is better...that we all have those options.

Stephanie said...

Josie,
I hope that 2007 brings you many joys and the one thing you so "wish" for. I do pray and you are in my prayers! I pray that we all are blessed in 2007 with a child.
I agree that Christmas is geared towards children and that makes me mad at times. First of all the true meaning of Christmas is usually lost and then all the focus is on gifts. The kids in my family rip open a gift then throw it aside for the next one without even saying thanks or knowing who gave it to them. That is one thing I will teach my kids...gratitude and appreciation! Okay, off my soap box. Sorry.
I decided that this year even though we will not have a child to share it with I am doing the whole stocking thing. One for each person that will be in my house on Christmas Day...hubby, mom, MIL, FIL, Kona the super dog and hopefully hubby will stuff mine.
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to know that I understand your sadness and feel your sorrow. I will toast you and my other cyclesistas this holiday season...while I can still enjoy of good cocktail!
:)

Hopeful Mother said...

Josie, I can really relate to how you are feeling. I hope 2007 is a better year for all of us.

Your cookies look delicious. The shapes made me laugh!

My Reality said...

Damn, I wish there was a picture of the blue balls!

I hope you survive the next few days ok. This time of year can really suck.

Baby Blues said...

Yes 2007 is your year, I just know it.

December 26 is also when...
I first met my hubby six years ago.
The only grandchild was born on the same day our results came and we were diagnosed with IF. We visited them in the hospital and they still had tears of joy while we were holding back tears of disappoinment.

Hang in there! This is our year!