You know how sometimes all you need is a good friend? Do you ever have that burning feeling that you need to call someone and tell them something that is making you want to pull your hair out and that person always reacts with a suitable response that reinforces why you love them so? I am fortunate to have a few good friends like that in my life and luckily one of them was there to answer the phone last night or I would have been writing a really angry post that I would probably regret at some point.
*****Please let me warn you - this post is random and may come across as lacking of information. Please keeping mid that there is a lot of history that got us to this point and I am still fuming but I just need to get this posted an hopefull off my chest.
I know you are dying to know what angered me so. There are many more details than I can bore you with in a post so I will summarize: basically I realized that SIL is selfish and can't truly give us the empathy and support we need with our IF because she is bitter that she is single and w/o the prospect of having children of her own. Now obviously she did not come out and tell me this, but last nights conversation tied up many loose threads that I finally put together. The most hurtful thing that she said is regarding this stupid competition she wages with everyone. If someone in her life has something that she does not she spites them. In fact, if someone even has the prospect of something she wants she spites them. For example, after our failed IVF # 1 and #2 she would always say to us that we are young and we can just take some time off and aren't we lucky that we don't have to make any decisions immediately because we are so young. These comments pissed me off enough at the time because she OBVIOULSLY does not understand that timing and waiting are incredibly frustrating when going through IF. Also, she spews assvice and I just want to tell her to shut up but don't for fear of upsetting the family balance. Those days are long gone now. Regarding her time off comment, you can almost imagine how hurt DH and I were when we realized that she was making this comment because she spites us for being young when she is 36 and is feeling the pressure of her biological clock. Also, if we wait the chance of her having a baby before us are greater and then she will still be one step ahead of the game.
OK, now if that is not insulting, try this. She had to take the day off on Monday because she was upset about "things". Her comment to me was: "well if I would have a desk job (like you) I could have gone to work today and zoned out but because I am a teacher and I have to be "on" the whole time I just could not do it." If she were here in person I would have smacked the shit out of her. Yes, I do have a desk job, but I too have meetings and goals and deadlines. She thinks that just because she is a teacher she works harder than everyone else and doesn't get paid enough. Last I checked she makes more than me and gets a break at summer, the holidays and in the spring.
I should also mention that she made some comment a few weeks back about it being such a shame that we so not have some left over embies that she could use to have a baby. I kind of thought she was kidding, but after some of the things she said last night I am realizing that she now knows the likelihood of that ever happening is slim since we barely even make it to transfer with IVF. So her little "plan" has fallen through and now she has to plan other ways to have a child. I am pissed that she seriously thought this was going to work. Perhaps she should have checked with us first. Last I checked when DH and filled out all the paperwork of what to do with our left over embies she was NOT in the picture. So wrapping this up for you, she is now upset about our lack of success with IVF because it means she may not be able to use us to have her baby. Follow me?
There are many other things that I could mention here, but they may just come across as very petty and require lots of explanation that would drive you crazy. I don't even know what to do about her, but one thing is for certain: she is no longer in the loop regarding our infertility. Even DH agreed to that one and not only is he disgusted with her behavior, but he is hurt. He has been noticing this change in her also and he is even willing to "take it to the parents." This is a hard situation because she has such a jaded view of everything that she seriously would not get it if we tried to talk to her about it. Also the waterworks that we would all have to deal with would make me absolutely insane.
I guess then, DH and I decided that distance from her is the best plan. Believe me, after 10 years with DH and his constant effort to defend her craziness, this is absolutely progress. Perhaps it just took him that long to make the painful realization of who she really is.
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12 comments:
She sounds toxic. It's probably a good thing to get some space from her.
As for her own baby wishes, why doesn't she look into donor sperm? Not that she sounds like a great parent from the picture you've painted, but there's no reason for her to pin her baby hopes on your embryos.
She is considering donor, but she belabors over every detail and lives her life not doing out of fear. She also can not make decisions on anything - it took her a month of crying over her options just deciding what computer to buy.
Sounds like she'd spend an hour trying to decide what jumper the baby could spit-up on next. Ha!
Really though, I know how you feel. There's a similar person in my life too and I find it utterly exasperating.
Oh, and to do #37 right, I think you need to blog with an accent that day. Then you can take the list and use bold and put it in all caps!
Oh sweetie, she's totally insane. I'm so happy that DH is on your side. You need a united front against her and I'm happy to hear that you've got it. It's so frustrating, you'd think she could be a bigger person, put her issues on the back burner for you guys, but alas, history repeats itself. She really really needs a wake up call. I've never known of such a selfish person. I know this sounds horrible, but no wonder she's still single! Stay strong, my hosebeast, and remember that there are so many people that love you and are fighting for you and only want the best for you, honestly and sinerely. It's too bad that someone so close has to be so awful. love to you from CT xoxo...
OMG. She sounds like a special breed of crazy. I can't imagine how you have put up with her for so long.
Distance definitely sounds like your best option - cut her out of the loop!
i had this great long comment that I tried to leave yesterday, but blogger wouldn't let me. Wouldn't you know that I forgot everything I was going to say...bet it was very profound! :)
Anyway, She sounds like a loon..good plan to distance yourselves.
The part about being bitter about being single and childless, I get. The part about rubbing salt in your wounds as a way to deal with it, I don't. Preying on your embryo's, before you even have them, that's just creepy.
Thanks for your comments. Lut brought up such a good point - I am sympathetic to her frustration with being single and without the prospect of having a child. In many ways that feeling is similar to IF. I guess I am just so frustrated because when I offer support for her or anyone I do it with that persons feelings and situation in mind and without bringing my issues up. I guess I am just so frusterated with her and the added family feature makes it more troublesome.
Oh, the anon comment is from the good friend who took my call. I love her dearly - she is just the best friend a girl could ever have. She did leak one of my nicknames, didn't you pythia.
Thanks again - I just got back from my lap and am not feeling good enought to post about it yet - I think the percoset is contributing.
I suppose I should have done this in a british accent as recommended by tinker. That would have been awesome!
Next time, right?
Or is that "roight"?
Oh, maybe that's Aussie. You could do that too....
Oh yavole. I wusch I cuud talk like Colonel Klink.
HOOOGEN! (While shaking my fist and squinting my monocle)
Yeah that is pathetic - I need more percoset to do this correctly. how fun though - I am going to be plotting....he, he.
Josie,
Yes I do think you have to log in to beta blogger with your google password first then browse blogs and leave comments. I just saved the sign in page to my favorites so I can click there first and sign in.
https://beta.blogger.com/login.g?d=http%3A%2F%2Fbeta.blogger.com%2Fhome&passive=true
Hm, well, I can't say I envy the situation of someone who is entering their late thirties and still single, knowing what I know now. And I can't pretend I've never said, "Well at least you..." (although mainly I try to say those things inside my own head, but sometimes my actions speak louder). So I feel guilty panning her completely based on the info in this post.
But I understand there's much more history to it than this, and she does sound a little like one of life's "victims" which makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and roll my eyes a bit in exasperation. What do you do with those people? I mean yes, we all need to wallow but we also need to get on with it at some point.
At any rate, she sounds like someone you should be limiting contact with during the tough times. It's hard enough during the good times with some people.
Bea
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