Monday, November 06, 2006


In the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle, the fourth stage is one of desperate bargaining. In order, the stages are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance.

After the fires of anger have been blow out, the next stage is a desperate round of bargaining, seeking ways to avoid having the bad thing happen. Bargaining is thus a vain expression of hope that the bad news is reversible.

Bargaining in illness includes seeking alternative therapies and experimental drugs. In organizations, it includes offering to work for less money (or even none!), offering to do alternative work or be demoted down the hierarchy. One's loyalties, debts and dependents may be paraded as evidence of the essentiality of being saved.

I have always said that those going through infertility go through the steps of grieving, and I am sure I am not the first. Even if you go on to have a child of your own, you still have to grieve the ability to have children like fertiles (a.k.a. the majority). Since there are so many things to grieve in infertility, I find myself jumping between stages. With that said, I can't say that I follow these steps in absolute order, but I am finding myself at the bargaining stage right now. I find myself thinking...

....If only this works I will not desire more children and just be grateful for what I get, one or two, even though I truly desire two I could sacrifice

....If the next thing on the radio is a song and not a commercial I am certainly pg - note: I listen to public radio so the odds should be pretty good

....If the I'm feeling lucky google search returns good news I will be satisfied

....If I finish typing this sentence before the babychime* I am certainly going to get pg

....If I wait to start the POAS madness until Wednesday it will be positive because I am waiting the 12 days for the HcG to leave my system and a few *extra* days from implantation, which could be late becasue my embies were only 4 and 5 cells at transfer

Now some would call that last one rationalizing, but really I am just bargaining. I am trying to save myself from what I know if coming: BFN. I am currently 95% sure this cycle is not going to work out and we are going to have the donor egg discussion with Dr. Bowtie very soon. Heck, I am already thinking of calling up my sister and asking if she is still willing to be a donor. DH has agreed to use donor sp. if we use donor eggs, so why don't we just get on with it.

Why don't we? We could be done with this madness and have a child to love and share experiences with but instead I am sure we will again put ourselves through hell to get no where. To think, I was most dreading the PIO shots and they are NOTHING compared to the anguish this process causes.

*BAby Chime: as I stated before I work in a hospital and everytime a baby is born they play this little lullaby. Unfortunately my office is right by the speaker for our floor and I get to be reminded of how many babies are born every day. Yes some to infertiles, but many to people who may not have wanted them as much as me.


Hopeful Mother said...

Yes, I firmly believe that the grief process applies to IF. I find myself hopping between stages all the time, back and forth.

I hope you can resist the siren song of POAS... it is difficult!

Hang in there!

DD said...

A BabyChime?! OMG. I would go certifiable and find myself in the other wing of our hospital, the one where the keep the EPC patients.

Alexa said...

Oh, I really hope you are wrong about this cycle. This is so hard. I will be thinking of you.

not so fertile girl said...

I don't think i could handle hearing the babychime. How painful! I will hold out hope for you that this cycle will work. crossing everything I can!

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