Friday, November 10, 2006

So you really want to know how I am feeling......

You know those feeling charts with the little faces expressing all the feelings one could have. You typically see them in dr/counselor offices or the cubes of really, annoying co-workers that circle their mood that day so we can all be forewarned that they may not give us the response we want by first looking at the chart and seeing that the sour faced "irritable" circle is tagged as the emotion of the day. You know, those charts... Well, if only it was that easy. If only I could identify one emotion long enough to circle it and claim it. Rather, I would have to circle the whole dammed chart because that is how I feel right now.

People have been asking how I am doing with the whole 2nd IVF thing. I usually answer that it is fine and we are dealing with it very well. That is actually very true and if I told you that I was not lying. We are champions of our emotions this round, but it is also somewhat of a cop out answer. Most of my days are great and I really love my life. I have a wonderful husband, amazing dog, great and caring friends, a home of our own that we love, and a job I enjoy for the most part. I live in a progressive, affordable city where my quality of life is amazing. I have had opportunities to travel the world, am financially stable, and have had any educational opportunity available to me if I decide to pursue it. I am not complaining and I really do know how good my life is and I appreciate it. My husband and I comment on how wonderful our lives are almost daily. Before you start to hate me please realize that not everything in my life is grand - I do have my share of crap, but I am able to compartmentalize all of those situations. Even when my FIL was diagnosed with cancer we could deal and we knew it wasn't fair, we accepted it and we continue to cherish every day we have with this amazing man. Currently the news has been positive, but let's face it, he has stage 3 kidney cancer - a very rare form at that - and things will change.

Even with all of these good "things" there is still a huge hole in my being. It is a void, a sore spot, a desire I have so strongly that words cannot explain. It is not a material desire or anything I can accomplish by working really hard. Some days it is more tucked away than others, but when I look back over the past three years it has been with me in some form or another. There is not one day that I have not had this feeling. I want to be a mother, I want my husband to be a father, I want us to partner and show a child all the amazing things life has to offer. We know life isn't fair and we don't promise our desired child that it will be without disappointment, but our method of coping, our dedication to each other, our passion for life is so strong that we know we can make it through anything. Why are we not being given that opportunity? I promise, we would raise amazing children, people to be proud of, people this world needs more of. We would dedicate ourselves to them entirely and show it as is appropriate, allowing them to grow and lead the life they want and be the person they so desire. I would not force my way into their life, but rather feel privileged to be included. I just don't understand why and I guess because of that I am sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed and all of the other feelings combined from that damned feeling chart.

Today was my first beta. They don't tell you the results until after your second beta, which, for me, is scheduled for Monday. I already know the results. I have been doing the POAS dance for a few days now and the results have not been in my favor. I don't know why I am so emotional. I rarely cry and when I am angry I let it pass pretty quickly. Today is different though. I woke up crying, my eyes welled up with tears while getting my blood drawn and I postponed it until I got out of the DR. office. I sat in the parking garage at work and cried on the phone to DH and, now, tears are streaming down my face as I struggle to complete this post. I guess I would have to say that today I am really, really sad.

13 comments:

DD said...

I'm very sorry Josie.

GLouise said...

Oh Josie- I know this sadness too. Thinking of you, and hoping for the best.....

not so fertile girl said...

I am sorry you are so sad. Life isn't fair is it? WHY? Why do those who would be wonderful parents have to be without. When I meet God one day I will ask Him and it will all make sence...until then I hope for you, I pray for you and I dream for you.

Lut C. said...

I too have a lot to be grateful for, except for that one big hole.

You don't know whay you're so emotional? Really? You're entitled to feelings of sadness over this, no matter what the final outcome.

I'm sorry the HPTs aren't giving you much reason to hope.

Lut C. said...

I too have a lot to be grateful for, except for that one big hole.

You don't know why you're so emotional? Really? You're entitled to feelings of sadness over this, no matter what the final outcome.

I'm sorry the HPTs aren't giving you much reason to hope.

Lut C. said...

I too have a lot to be grateful for, except for that one big hole.

You don't know why you're so emotional? Really? You're entitled to feelings of sadness over this, no matter what the final outcome.

I'm sorry the HPTs aren't giving you much reason to hope.

Keeping The Faith said...

Josie-
Words don't offer much comfort. But, I feel for you and am so sorry that your cycle didn't work. It's so unfair. I know and have experienced how the sadness hits and sinks you into a place of despair. I also have much to be thankful for but that doesn't lessen the pain of infertility. I only hope that you are comforted by your loving husband during this sad time. Together you will get through this and move forward into a brighter day.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,
Faith

Heather said...

I'm so very sorry.

Jys said...

Josie... this post needs to be published into a book. You put into words what so many IVFers, and most importantly people dealing with IF can't. We feel it and can't express it as eloquently as you.
I am so so SO sorry that you are having one of those days that all of us dread, no matter how many cycles we've been through and what we are doing that cycle. But I still hope it turns around. I have read that in so many cases a negative home test is still not the final outcome. I'm hoping for you more than i can say.
I know I have always tried to "prepare" myself for outcomes ahead of time by POAsing too, cause I just HATE those calls.
But I hope that somehow someway, you get an incredible surprise.
Whatever happens, sending you all my love and hugs.
Jys.

Hopeful Mother said...

Josie - I recognize your sadness and pain and I can feel that same "big hole" in my heart that you and your husband have.

We are here for you!

Becky said...

I'm sorry this one doesn't look too good right now--Be good to yourself and let yourself be whatever you want to, even if it's to sit and cry for hours. I'll keep you and your DH in my prayers.

Becky said...

I'm sorry this one doesn't look too good right now--Be good to yourself and let yourself be whatever you want to, even if it's to sit and cry for hours. I'll keep you and your DH in my prayers.

Thalia said...

Ugh, I am sorry. That nasty negative feeling is a killer.