So some of my optimism left and I finally had my long awaited cryfest. Now, I must say I am proud that I made it this far into IVF #2 without even a well up of a tear but now that is gone.
I guess it started when I was eating breakfast this morning. Since we are still kind of celebrating DH's PhD (more celebrating that he is OUT of GRADUATE SCHOOL forever) I got up early and went to get us bagel sandwiches so we could have a nice breakfast together. And yes, I even got a sandwich for the dog, although we have to teach the big poodle to savor his food and not inhale it. Anyway, during our relaxing breakfast to kindergarten Cop (the best thing on TV - it is negative attack ad season you know) is when the dreaded call came. You see, DH and I are rather politically active and up in MN this campaign season is especially spicy so we have been getting a lot of campaign calls. I would have taken any other call than the one I got - even a political call for the "other side".
As you probably guessed, it was the lab calling to tell us that none of our embryos made it to blast so they could not be frozen. I knew this was a strong possibility but it just struck me as the first "failure" of this cycle. The Dr. Assured me that this was not indicative of our embryos surviving in me, but I am losing some of my confidence. I guess this is the first time that I had to again consider that we do have damaged goods - not so hot egg quality and poor sperm. I questioned again about why they wanted to put the 4 and 5 cell / grade 1 embryos in rather than the 6 cell grade 3s and she said chances for survival are better even if the embryos are a bit slow. Does anyone have any information about this??? She again stated that they got a +beta off a 4 cycle just recently. In the whole fertility game, I have been the one to defy the odds in the not so good kind of way so why should I believe that things are going to be different this time.
Well, that call started the bad mood and I went into "pick fight" mode. Although, much to DH's credit, he would not respond to my attacks and rather sat down next to me and told me that he hates watching me have to go through this. He then said let's go talk about it. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? Really, he is so....supportive in every that I needed. Now I should say, he is a great man but we typically deal with infertility very, very differently and this has caused some whopper arguments in the past. Point blank:
me= irrational, cry, jump to conclusions, dwell (in my defense I am on hormones)
him = extremely rational and able to move on quickly.
While we were chatting DH offered up an excellent suggestion. After telling him that I am more afraid of having to go through all the anticipation and anxiety again with another IVF cycle more than a neg test he suggested they should just put me into a coma. Yup - his suggestion was just to put me in a coma through the whole IVF process and keep me there for 4 months if it works to help with the pregnancy after infertility / miscarriage 1st trimester worries. Not a bad idea now, is it?
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3 comments:
Now there's a thought! Snoring through IF. :-)
Obsessing is normal, but would you feel better if anyone gave you an answer to that question? Whatever it was, you'd still feel fear, uncertainty and doubt. Hang in there.
MN politics. As bad as WI? Perhaps. Is your state (my home state) threatening to amend its constitution specifially to disallow gay people from getting married or civilly united? Or to allow the state to begin killing people again? No. MN has a *bit* more sense that its neighbor to the east.
Sorry to hear about your embryos. A coma would be especially nice for many of us now, I dare say.
My hubby and I deal with IF differently too. Just how you described it. And I think it compliments well. Imagine if both of us were irrational!? That's scarry. Someone has to remain strong and rational for the both of us.
IF husbands are the most patient and supportive breed. That's why I enjoy reading SmarshyBoy's blog which gives us the husband's perspective.
I'm so thankful for my hubby being able to put up with my moods. And I'm glad your DH is holding up as well.
Hang in there.
I agree with Lut C. Obsessing, fear, doubt and uncertainty is all normal when you're dealing with IF.
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