Sunday, November 19, 2006

Infertility is now affecting the dog...

This week has been a bit stressful.

Let me recap:
1. IVF #2 BFN (I prefer big f'in nightmare)
2. The adoption program we prefer is waitlisted
3. Found out true cost of donor egg program
4. Researched snowflake babies and it is not an option for us
5. Many huge fights with DH
6. All the work I didn't do while waiting for my BFN is now urgently due
7. Spending time hiding from neighbors who are upset that we could not attend their child's 2nd b-day party - more about this later because I am still steaming and I cannot even get it together to compose a legible sentence.
8. The dog is sick.

Poor little guy. It breaks my heart to see him not wanting his food and moping around the house. Before you start to question what sort of freak I am please stick around while I explain why the face you see on my profile is so incredibly important to me.....

Two years ago this December 26th, we were in Key West with DH's family for the Christmas. We go to Key West frequently since DH's uncle has a place there and who can argue with spending Christmas by the ocean. While the weather this trip was not so great everyone was in good spirits because we gave them a wonderful Christmas present - the announcement that a baby was on the way. When I left for Florida I was between 6 - 7 weeks pregnant off our 3rd clomid cycle and when I came home all I had was a shattered dream and a strong realization that this was not going to be easy for us.

While the world was mourning the tragedy of the Tsunami, I was at the Key West hospital waiting for confirmation of what I already knew and hoping to get the Rogam quickly so I could return to the condo and cry myself into a coma. When we returned to the cities a few days later I was numb. I would sit in a chair and stair at the TV or out the window with tears rolling down my face. Many of your know this feeling - once you have experienced it the slightest mention of the dreaded miscarriage brings backs the immense feelings of emotional distraught. My depressed mood continued into the spring and worsened with every failed clomid cycle. When the end of March rolled around and my b-day approached, DH asked what he could do "to bring back the beautiful smile he missed." Without even thinking I responded, "I want a dog." The next day we were up early and driving to pick up our new family member.

Before Matisse, IF was really hard and I was hopeless. There were nights that I ate and went to bed to cry myself to sleep. The pain is still there, but I now have a reason to be happy and smile. There is a little guy who waits for me to come home from work at the back window and comes running to the door with his favorite toy d'jour in his mouth to present to me. I know it sounds silly, but I have a reason to not let infertility keep me down indefinitely. Even when getting bad news, there is a bubbling fountain of happiness waiting to lick my tears and bring me his beloved stuffed animals to cheer my mood. Unfortunately this week was a bit much and now my little guy is sick from a stress induced stomach problem.

Anyone who has a pet knows that their friend feels the mood of the house and for us the mood at our house has been a bit volatile. I feel awful that he is so stressed out. He is incredibly sensitive and has spent a lot of time hiding under the table this week as DH and I scream at each other (we believe he was abused as a puppy - before we got him that is.). Are we ready to be parents if we cannot properly deal with our disappointment and fear, acting in a way that causes anguish to someone we love so much? DH and I agree that we have to change, unfortunately our sick dog had to be the driving force.


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Beagle said...

I'm sorry about the heartache and the sick pup.

I got an antidepressant kitten (by now I take teh pills too), so I can relate to the importance of your four legged family member in the survival of all this.

About that gate in the fence . . . I have this funny feeling it's always been there, it's just invisible until you're ready to see it. I think you just have to be sick enough of every other option to suddenly see how great the alternative is. That's how it was for me anyway.

But don't take my word for it, I barely know what I am doing!

Most of all, I wanted to stop by to say . . . I hope you find your gate soon!

DD said...

Email me about no.'s 2 & 4. I want to know what you are finding out and see if it compares to what I am finding out.

Alex said...

I too have an infertility dog, bless his heart, now 3. Got him in the first 2ww after IVF -- everyone thought I was crazy to be getting a puppy when I might be PG. Yeah, might, or might not.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing, I'm afraid, to give assvice, having seen your comment on Akeeyu's blog about Hashimoto's. It's a soapbox of mine and I'm sorry (because who needs assvice?), but I never had more-than-borderline (2.X) TSH (though I did have thyroid antibodies off the charts), and it wasn't until I got a thyroid doc willing to treat aggressively -- and to up dosage in response to rising estrogen levels when I was cycling -- that I finally had a cycle that worked. So I'm just saying, if you're 'borderline,' you may really be in need of treatment (as I believe I was, and in my case finding out earlier could have avoided a lot of grief). Email me if you want more info...(and again, sorry, really I am, for the assvice) -- bogart99 at

not so fertile girl said...

I totally get how you feel about your beloved puppy. I feel the same way about my golden Kona. He is sometimes the only one who can comfort me with is big brown eyes.

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