Monday, November 13, 2006

Now I really hate Britney Spears...

I have no energy to be creative, so here is the update.

It is confirmed. This cycle was a BFN. I did have some very small amounts of HcG in my system on Friday and even less today, so I was probably pregnant at some point but the embryo didn't stick around. My progesterone was at least very good - 32.5, so I don't have any problems in that area. I didn't know if that was supposed to be good news!?!? The nurse who gave me the news was very sweet and empathetic. One of the nurses is pg and I truly hope they don't allow her to make these calls. Could you think of anything worse than hearing about your BFN from someone who is PG???

Anyway, the next appointment with Dr.Bowtie isn't until 11/28, so I have 2 weeks to dream up scenarios for that meeting. Is he going to kick us out, make us do the DHEA study and wait 6 months to try again, or tweak the protocol and just get this miserable IVF process over with so we can move on to the next step - donor egg or adoption. We are part of a cost share, so either way we are out some money but we do get some back. Since we have paid down on our loan we will come out about even (not actually even, but that is what I need to tell myself). I have not calculated how much we have spent so far on failed fertility treatments and when I do so I am sure you will hear about it because it will piss me off. Has anyone heard about infertility bake sales?

I really can't decide on what to do next. I know some of you will say that I don't have to because I still have one cycle left, but let's face it, DH and I are probably never going to have children of our own. We have come to terms with that and are willing to move on....but we can't just yet. Adoption seems like such a guarantee, but I really can not drop the feeling I have to be pregnant, grow with a child in utero, give birth and parent the child from birth. I know this is selfish and I should just get over it, but it isn't that easy.

We are seriously considering adopting a baby from Ethiopia. That too comes with concerns and brings me into a new area of uncertainty. You see, I am acquainted with all the "uncertainty" of infertility and I don't know if I am willing to throw in the towel and get involved in a different f'ed up game of sorts. Really, I do believe in adoption, but my frustration is just getting the best of me.

Anyway, this is all the thinking and writing I can handle for today. Sorry for the scattered post. I have been beaten down by failed IVF #2. I will be back tomorrow with a new set of thoughts and hopefully a brighter outlook for our options.


Makariya said...

I'm sorry Josie. I know there is nothing that I could say that would make it better. But if it makes you feel even a little bit better I hate Britney Spears as well.

Mel said...

I'm so sorry Josie.

Twisted Ovaries said...

I'm so sorry, too.

I'm around if you need to vent...

Hopeful Mother said...

I'm sorry Josie. Not to say I know EXACTLY how you feel, but pretty darn close.

We are also looking at other options along with trying another cycle. It is not easy to do, but we're trying to "educate" ourselves before moving on.

You are not alone!

Lut C. said...

I'm sorry it didn't work out, despite all your best efforts. Deciding what to do next is so hard.

Thank you for the words of comfort you posted on my blog.

not so fertile girl said...

I am so sorry Josie.

Have you thought about embryo adoption? I know it may be too soon the even suggest such a thing, but you had mentioned adoption in your post.