Don't tell me, "Well at least you have options..."

Yesterday sucked. Not only did I work from 7am to 10:30 pm, but I came to terms with my options. You see we have our meeting to ponder FAILED IVF w/ ICSI #2 w/ Dr. Bowtie on 11/28 and I want to be prepared. I don't take these meetings lightly and I know that if I miss my chance to ask him the questions I need to ask I will have to:

1. Be satisfied with the answer the nurses give me or trust them to relay my questions correctly to him and call me back. I am NOT saying they are incompetent but rather that I am a fertility control freak and I don't even trust DH to relay information like egg quality, # retrieved, fertilization reports.
2. Allow these questions to simmer in my being until I boil over and start getting all my answers from Dr. Google.
3. Plan out the worst case scenarios answers to all my questions so then at least if the news comes back differently I am not disappointment.

You see, it is just better to be prepared. Also, if I am prepared I will be less likely to cry. I have not shed a tear in front of Dr. Bowtie yet and I do not plan to. It is not that I am afraid to cry, but rather once the waterworks turn on my brain turns to mush and I forget everything I need to ask as well as the answers to the questions I did ask. Then all I can think about is that I have to walk through the lobby with my mascara running down my face. Clinic #1 at least had a back door for this purpose. I know I would not be the first failing Ivfer to cry but I just don't want to cross that line.

Now that we have failed twice I am really concerned that we will get kicked out of the program so I need to have plan F ( F is because we have exhausted A - E and also because at this stage we are F'ed). Plan F involves choosing between donor eggs and adoption. I will post later about the intense never ending conversations DH and I had to arrive at these options, but frankly for now I am sick of the topic. To continue, I called my clinic and was informed that they did away with their donor cost share program. I was devastated. I immediately got on the internet and checked out the 3 ivf places here and it looked like the only program for Donor Shared Risk costs about 33,000 with additional donor fees, prescreening, medication and monitoring. YIKES. Also, after calling no one could answer if they allow you to use known donor eggs. I left a message but was not too optimistic. At this point I called DH and told him our decision was made because we can not put this much on the line without a guarantee and it doesn't look like known donor is an option.

On a fluke, I called the other IVF program in cities to get some cost info. I guess we are at the point of shopping around for the best deal now in case we decide to try some other currently unknown option (Plan S for sucks). How depressing. After I got off a not too reassuring phone call with them the phone immediately rang and it was the same clinic calling me back. Apparently, they have had so much demand for a known donor shared risk program that they are starting one up as we speak. The cost is also 100% refundable and comes in at about 26,000 for 3 fresh cycles with medication costs separate. I think this is good news, but please do not tell me it is great to have options because if options involve selling one of our cars and taking out a larger loan again our home I don't know how good of options they are.

Anyway, if Dr. Bowtie kicks us out and leaves us only with the option of donor eggs and we can find the money to continue this insanity because you know it is just oh so fun, we may be able to consider donor eggs. Of course this would mean that I would have to go to my 3rd fertility clinic, get to know another dr., and get another full time job. Also, the Dr. that we would most likely see at that clinic also appears to be a bowtie freak from the website photo, so how would I name him? I think that is the real problem here - Dr. Bowtie 2 lacks creativity.