Infertility is now affecting the dog...

This week has been a bit stressful.

Let me recap:
1. IVF #2 BFN (I prefer big f'in nightmare)
2. The adoption program we prefer is waitlisted
3. Found out true cost of donor egg program
4. Researched snowflake babies and it is not an option for us
5. Many huge fights with DH
6. All the work I didn't do while waiting for my BFN is now urgently due
7. Spending time hiding from neighbors who are upset that we could not attend their child's 2nd b-day party - more about this later because I am still steaming and I cannot even get it together to compose a legible sentence.
8. The dog is sick.

Poor little guy. It breaks my heart to see him not wanting his food and moping around the house. Before you start to question what sort of freak I am please stick around while I explain why the face you see on my profile is so incredibly important to me.....

Two years ago this December 26th, we were in Key West with DH's family for the Christmas. We go to Key West frequently since DH's uncle has a place there and who can argue with spending Christmas by the ocean. While the weather this trip was not so great everyone was in good spirits because we gave them a wonderful Christmas present - the announcement that a baby was on the way. When I left for Florida I was between 6 - 7 weeks pregnant off our 3rd clomid cycle and when I came home all I had was a shattered dream and a strong realization that this was not going to be easy for us.

While the world was mourning the tragedy of the Tsunami, I was at the Key West hospital waiting for confirmation of what I already knew and hoping to get the Rogam quickly so I could return to the condo and cry myself into a coma. When we returned to the cities a few days later I was numb. I would sit in a chair and stair at the TV or out the window with tears rolling down my face. Many of your know this feeling - once you have experienced it the slightest mention of the dreaded miscarriage brings backs the immense feelings of emotional distraught. My depressed mood continued into the spring and worsened with every failed clomid cycle. When the end of March rolled around and my b-day approached, DH asked what he could do "to bring back the beautiful smile he missed." Without even thinking I responded, "I want a dog." The next day we were up early and driving to pick up our new family member.

Before Matisse, IF was really hard and I was hopeless. There were nights that I ate and went to bed to cry myself to sleep. The pain is still there, but I now have a reason to be happy and smile. There is a little guy who waits for me to come home from work at the back window and comes running to the door with his favorite toy d'jour in his mouth to present to me. I know it sounds silly, but I have a reason to not let infertility keep me down indefinitely. Even when getting bad news, there is a bubbling fountain of happiness waiting to lick my tears and bring me his beloved stuffed animals to cheer my mood. Unfortunately this week was a bit much and now my little guy is sick from a stress induced stomach problem.

Anyone who has a pet knows that their friend feels the mood of the house and for us the mood at our house has been a bit volatile. I feel awful that he is so stressed out. He is incredibly sensitive and has spent a lot of time hiding under the table this week as DH and I scream at each other (we believe he was abused as a puppy - before we got him that is.). Are we ready to be parents if we cannot properly deal with our disappointment and fear, acting in a way that causes anguish to someone we love so much? DH and I agree that we have to change, unfortunately our sick dog had to be the driving force.